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Breastfeeding: The Final Chapter

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I threw in the towel on breastfeeding this week. All you Nursing Nazi’s- SAVE. IT. I’ve read your books, I’ve been to your meetings (one of which was advertised as “Breastfeeding Support Group Meeting Every Tuesday at 1130am. Bring a sack lunch, drinks provided.” Say who?)

And I am O-FFICIALLY over it. Done. Finished. Finito. THE END.

The boob sweat was getting too excessive, plus my back has been killing me from lugging these things around aaaaaannnnd, I’ve been pregnant or breastfeeding for FIVE YEARS!  That is one thousand, eight hundred and twenty five days people. I’m so accustomed to sleep deprivation I could be a CIA operative.

Sadie Plum is enjoying her formula immensely. Which is fab-a-lous…I actually took a bath this weekend without even stopping to consider if she was hungry or when I had fed her last. Usually she waits until I’m in the tub to decide she’s hungry. Ahhh, the joys of formula.

Although my boobs feel like they are full of gravel, I’m wearing three sports bras, an ACE bandage and smell slightly of Chinese stir-fry due to the cabbage leaves in my bra, I have no regrets. This was the right decision for me.

Top 10 Reasons I Hated Breastfeeding

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OK, I’ve been trying to hold back on this for awhile now but here it comes. I hate breastfeeding. H-A-T-E. This is no exaggeration. For those of you who have never experienced the feeling of having someone suck on a bloody, open wound up to 8 times a day, let me just inform you- it ain’t as easy as it looks.

Here is a brief list of all the things I hate about breastfeeding:

The Bad Things About Breastfeeding

1. It hurts.
2. My boobs are so big that they totally eclipse my child’s head when I’m feeding her.
3. My boobs are so big that Victoria can no longer keep my Secret.
4. No one else can help you or do it for you.
5. People give you dirty looks when you do it in public, even if you shove your kid up your shirt AND cover up with a blanket.
6. Breast pumps make you feel like an actual cow…mooooooooooo.
7. My boobs are so big that I lost a pacifier once and found it that night when I took off my bra. (True story.)
8. You can get tennis elbow from it, which does provide you with prescription pain killers, that you can’t take BECAUSE you’re breastfeeding.
9. You can’t drink unless you want to have to buy the “breast screen” test strips at Target to screen your milk for alcohol. Purchasing said strips is only going to lead to more dirty looks. (The first time I saw those I wanted to buy a box of strips, a bottle of wine and go home and pump, just to see what would happen…)
10. Boob sweat is disgusting. You either have to bathe or your kid is going to smell like it every time you feed her. (If you are a B cup or under you can’t relate and I don’t care OR feel sorry for you.)

The good things about breastfeeding

1. It’s good for your kid. (Even though Aubrey was only BF for 3 months and is NEVER sick and Emma was BF for 11 months and is ALWAYS sick.)
2. It’s free. (And yes, this is mostly why I do it…don’t judge me.)

(Let me just say if you were about to leave a comment about how I need to be positive and supportive and yadda, yadda, yadda…save yourself some time. It’s been done. I am being supportive. I applauding the women LIKE MYSELF who choose to breastfeed for any amount of time, and I am encouraging the MILLIONS of women who choose formula that they are still great mothers.)