Ketchup | Robin's Chicks

Depression.

See? Just looking at the word IS depressing. Nobody wants to read about it. It’s certainly not why people come to my blog. I’ve created this space to remember the good stuff, to laugh with and to be laughed at and hopefully to record some of the most precious moments of my children’s lives for them to read about later.

But for me, there’s been an elephant in the room for a while. I wrote about it some in “Ketchup.” I wrote about my struggle with post-partum depression and hoped it would encourage women and moved on. Then, during the fall of last year, right when I thought I was doing fine, it snuck up on me and wrapped its arms around my neck and pulled me under again.

Darkness, discouragement. Being constantly overwhelmed. Anxious. Afraid. Terrified. Over nothing and everything.

Much like my experiences with post-partum, this new wave of depression confused me. I had hit a milestone in my career. I was a published author, a syndicated humor columnist. My children were healthy and my husband still thinks I’m smart and beautiful but something in me was broken.

It’s so easy to think it’s your fault. It’s so easy to think, “If only…”

If only I was a better mother…

If only I was more organized…

If only I went to work and wasn’t home with my kids all day…

If only I could be satisfied staying at home…

If only I wasn’t so driven…

If only I wasn’t so lazy…

If only I was more spiritual…

If only I prayed harder…

Today is Suicide Prevention day and even though, thankfully, I never got that low, I got low enough that I could see how someone could get dragged into that blackness. There were a few things that saved me: my husband, my children, my faith, my mother, my sister, my best friend and most importantly: medication and therapy.

There is a stigma associated with these things… with mental illness and antidepressants. And y’all know I try to keep it clean on my blog but EFF that. Three weeks after I started taking meds I felt the darkness lifting. Aubrey, only seven-years-old, having no idea what I had been struggling with internally, grabbed my hand while we were walking outside one day and said, “Momma I’m so glad you feel better. I didn’t think you’d come with us today!”

There is no shame in getting help and feeling better. Today the World Health Organization is asking people to “light a candle near a window that this day might be a sign of hope and understanding for those feeling despair and lack of hope.”

This is my window and I’m telling you– there IS hope.