For the last two weeks everybody in my house save The Husband has been on antibiotics. We have had a tooth pulled…

“Mommy? I can’t feel myself anymore…”

And after a four hour round trip drive to see a pediatrician Sadie was diagnosed with “a little pneumonia” which says a lot about her disposition and general meanness as of late.

As you may or may not know, I was sick with Not Scarlet Fever and I’m still recovering. Sadie and I have been spending entirely too much time together and we are beginning (ahem) to get on each other’s nerves. Just the other day while we were laying on the couch watching Spongebob and she snatched away my favorite box of gluten-free cereal while my hand was in the box, sending cinnamony goodness hurtling all over the den and yelled at me, “NO MORE SNACKS MOMMA!”

Apparently I was wearing my sad face because she followed up with, “Awwww! Don’t be saaaaaad!”

I’ve been working really hard at that whole “If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say” thing– so sorry for my silence, but also? You are welcome.

How are you this winter? Is it 80 degrees at your house one day and 37 the next? Have your children driven you right over the edge of sanity? Holla at me. How you doin’?

And ALSO, click over to Staying Sane While Staying Home to enter for a chance to win a signed copy of “Ketchup!” (Which is STILL Top Rated #1 on Amazon in TWO categories! Humor and Parenting & Families! Thanks so much to everyone for leaving reviews & keeping me on the top of these lists!)

I’ve been going through some old columns working on the second book and this one made me laugh out loud. Sometimes that whole Mommy Memory Thing really works in my favor…

Aubrey, my 5-year-old has gotten into a fun new phase. It all started this summer when I unknowingly bought popsicles with jokes on the sticks. I had to explain every punch line, and the jokes weren’t really funny to start with, but a standup comedienne was born.

I attempted to introduce Aubrey to knock-knock jokes, thinking they would be easier for her to understand. But it only led to more confusion with some hilarity.

“Knock, knock…” I said.

“Knock, knock,” she said back to me.

“No, Aubrey you say, ‘Who’s there?’”
“Who is it, Momma?” She asked.

“No, I say, ‘Knock-knock,’ then you say, ‘Who’s there?’ Get it?”

“Got it!” Aubrey answered.

“Knock, knock…” I tried again.

“KNOCK, KNOCK! Who’s there?! Like that Momma?”

I laughed hysterically which made Aubrey think I had delivered the punch line so she laughed as well. Since our first class in Funny 101, I have had my eyes peeled for jokes she could actually understand and enjoy. Every day when I pick her up from school, she jumps in the car and asks, “Got any jokes for me today, Momma?”

“Why did the tofu cross the road?” I asked her.

“I don’t know…” she said thoughtfully.

“To prove he wasn’t chicken!”

Aubrey looked at me confused. I sighed as I explained to her what tofu actually is and 3 minutes later she laughed. “Oh, that IS funny Mommy!”

Aubrey’s love of jokes is so great she gave me her purple Hello Kitty notebook to record any funnies I might come across while she is in school and this past week she had a brilliant idea. Aubrey wanted to tell her jokes for Show and Tell.

All week long Aubrey practiced her set of four jokes. She told them to neighbors, friends and strangers at the grocery store.

On Friday morning, her daddy took her with him to work for a few minutes before school. Aubrey told joke after joke as my husband’s coworkers began filtering in for a cup of coffee before work.

“What did the mommy bullet say to the daddy bullet?” She didn’t even pause a beat before delivering her punch line, “We’re going to have a BB! Get it? It’s funny because a BB is a tiny bullet.” She explained to a group full of grown men.

Aubrey launched into her next joke before they could even catch their breaths, “What did the in-bis-a-bull (invisible) man drink? Evaporated milk!” She screamed at her daddy’s colleagues. Whether they found her jokes incredibly funny or were shocked at being an unwitting audience to a 5-year-old doing stand-up comedy in their break room before their morning coffee, all the guys laughed and Aubrey’s confidence soared.

I couldn’t wait for Aubrey to get home from school on Friday to hear how her jokes had gone over. I secretly had my fingers crossed that there was at least one child in the room being raised by either vegetarians or avid hunters. If we were lucky there would be one of each and she would get a few laughs without having to explain to everyone in her class what a BB is and why her tofu joke was funny.

After school I asked her, “So, how did it go?”

“My teacher didn’t call on me,” she said her eyes welling up with tears.

“Oh I’m sorry. Well, we’ll just have to practice more and you can tell them next week.”

“Alright,” she conceded. “Hey Mommy, why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?”
And even though I knew the answer by heart, I asked her for the hundredth time, “Why?”

“Because he was two tired. Get it, Momma? It’s funny because a bicycle has two tires!”

“Mommy is too tired, too honey.”

“You don’t have TIRES Mommy!”

We are just having too much pun at my house.

Hey folks!

Just wanted to post several links for y’all. I’ve got interviews and blog contests going on all over the internets and I didn’t want YOU to miss out on a chance to win! So here is a little linkage for ya!

My interview with the amazing Angie Mizzell about what makes me funny. (Isn’t that funny? She asked some really good questions. I had to actually think to answer them. She is a professional, y’all.)

Ann Imig, of one of my favorite blogs on the internets is having a “Please Don’t Get Me THAT Gift” Contest. The funniest comments are going to win stuff you DO want. So far it’s been pretty hilarious.

AND the very, very talented and hilarious Anne Riley has a little giveaway going. I was most impressed that her husband risked getting carsick because he couldn’t stop reading my book. That’s impressive. (Also, if you like to read YA fantasy-ish stuff like Harry Potter, or have a teen that likes that kind of stuff I HIGHLY recommend Anne’s book The Clearing. Loved it. Can’t wait for the sequel and just waiting patiently for Anne to hit the NYTs best-seller’s list. She’s good.)

AND una mas, Debbie Schubert interviewed me about my path to publication! There ya go, peeps. Go forth and comment for chances to win!

I love to support other writers and artists so here is a list of books (and stuff) I have loved this year!

Anna Lefler… I’ve followed Anna’s blog for a couple of years now and she is HILARIOUS. Her book, The Chicktionary is laugh out loud funny. Also, sometimes she has pageant hair on television appearances so she gets bonus points.

Robin Plemmons… if you want to laugh until you are wheezing into a brown paper bag? Go look at Robin’s etsy store. Girlfriend is CrayCray in the very best way.

Anne Riley… loved her book The Clearing. It’s a great YA read for those of you who like paranormal. It’s well written, well edited and THOROUGHLY entertaining. Anne’s blog is also highly entertaining and great for writers.

Rachel Hawkins... My love for The Lady Hawkins is limitless. Her series, Hex Hall, is another great YA read. Lots of plot twists and JUST enough romance to make your teen feel like they are reading something REALLY good without feeling like you are letting them read smut. The dialogue is hilarious and there is a ton of humor sprinkled in the story. I love her. (Also, she used a picture of Jessie Spano in her presentation at the Auburn Writers Conference and I almost fell out of my chair.) Rachel is also totally responsible for making me fall in love with the Game of Thrones series. My eyeballs almost fell out from reading all those words and I was not even sorry.

Joshilyn Jackson… I made a public spectacle of myself ALL OVER HER at my first writer’s conference. Then I came home and read all four of her books in less than two months and felt like even more of an idiot. Her books are amazing and funny, and twisty and turny. I can not WAIT for her next book. And next time I see her I’m going to try not to wipe my snot on her.

And a  HinkleDoodle in a pear tree… I found the cutest Facebook page one day while I was “working.” I fell in love with these handmade, plush toys and ornaments. I emailed the creator of the site and told her how much I loved her stuff, and do you know what she did? She sent me THIS.

Jessica sent me Maribel for my tree, and it’s one of my very favorite things. My little HinkleDoodle is SO detailed. From the button eyes to the sweet little felt feet! Jessica is going to send Elsie to one of you!

To be entered to win, just go like HinkleDoodles on FB and leave a comment and tell me you did it! Support local artists as much as you can this year! Buy local where you can! And just because y’all are so awesome? I’m going to give away a signed copy of “Ketchup” too. Both winners will be randomly selected from the comments. Contest ends on December 13th 2011. Winner announced Dec 14th.

Winner of the book is Rachel and Hinkledoodle is Erin! YAY free stuff and holiday cheer!!

It’s hard to pack a family of five for the holidays, especially if you live in the South where traveling even further south less than two hundred miles can mean a fluctuation in temperatures akin to perimenopausal hot flashes. Not that I know— yet. I’m just saying.

I was wearing fall clothes when I left my house in Greenwood, Mississippi and within three hours I had to change clothes before I blacked out in the passenger seat of my mother’s car. Which may have been preferable to the chorus of “She’s Looking At Mes” and “Are We There Yets” coming from the back seat.

I’m a procrasto-packer. I made that word up. Just now. Totally on the fly. Because I’m a writer, and I can. I procrastinate packing until the very last second. Part of this has to do with the fact that my laundry is never “caught up,” whatever that means. The later I wait to pack, the more clean clothes I have to choose from. The other reason is mostly that I hate packing. I am disorganized in the best of circumstances and living in the South doesn’t help. November means the heater runs all night long and the air conditioning comes on at noon. No matter how much I try to plan ahead and check the weather before I pack my family up this time of year, I always get it wrong. I should just embrace this fact and start packing one change of clothes, clean underwear and a toothbrush for every member of my family. But that would be too easy.

I am a firm believer that if I pack every prescription medicine my children have been given in the last two years that I can ward off sickness. If I don’t take it, we will need it and I don’t want to buy things that I already own. So I bring it all. Ridiculous? Excessive? Maybe. Am I willing to be proven wrong? Absolutely not.

Because if you are going to travel six hours in one direction with three kids sitting within arms’ reach of each other? You’re going to want to be as proactive as possible. This particular trip I was even less organized than usual due to the frazzled state of my two brain cells. One of them has been busy re-reading and editing the final manuscript for my first book. That brain cell was a little overwhelmed since I’ve read those particular words no less than 487 times in the last three years. My other brain cell was busy freaking out that the publishing industry is not at my beck and call and that (spoiler alert) I cannot control everything that happens in my life.

Which boils down to the fact that we made it to my sister’s house with a huge bag of prescription meds, 30 pairs of underwear, full winter wardrobes which no one could actually wear, bathing suits and toothbrushes. But the truth of the matter is, my family loves me so much that they couldn’t care less if I wear my pajamas to Thanksgiving dinner… as long as I’m wearing clean underwear, my teeth are brushed and I’m medicated. And I’ve totally got those bases covered.