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Sadie Puts Baby Jesus in Timeout

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A few weeks ago I wrote about all the things I’ve heard myself say to my kids that I never anticipated coming out of my mouth. I joked about telling my kids not to jump on the trampoline topless, then while drinking my coffee one morning before school I saw something out of the corner of my eye. It was Sadie, my three-year-old, jumping on the trampoline in nothing but her brand new purple tennis shoes as half of Greenwood drove by on their way to take their kids to school.

Things haven’t improved in that arena— the crazy things I say to my kids that is— the nekkid trampoline jumping was thankfully curbed by a recent drop in temperatures.

I picked my kids up from school a few weeks ago and drove by the drug store to pick up a prescription. As we waited in line the girls unbuckled their seat belts and wiggled around in the car. It was fine, until their giggling turned to shrieking and I found myself screaming, “IF EVERYONE COULD JUST SIT ON THEIR OWN BUTT ON THEIR OWN SEAT!!” right as the window slid open and the pharmacy tech asked if she could help me. The look in her eyes said she knew the answer to that question— I was beyond all help but she was wrong, I was picking up my anti-anxiety meds so she may have saved three little lives.

This week, in lieu of nekkid trampoline jumping, Sadie spent a lot of time playing with her “Little People.” I had a Little People dollhouse as a child and Sadie loves to get her own dollhouse and all of her little figurines and pretend. Her productions can be quite horrifying or hilarious, depending on how you look at things. She had found some figurines from her Little People Nativity Set, so as she played Joseph and Mary interacted with a generic Dad figurine with a cellphone literally glued to his hand and the Baby Jesus had a play date with the Little People baby.

I was cooking dinner and listening as Sadie played at the kitchen table. Apparently the grownup Little People were eating dinner— Mom, Dad, Mary, Joseph and one stray Wise Man and the babies were left to play together. I don’t know what happened but a fight broke out between the babies and things got heated.

Baby: You are a baby!

Baby Jesus: Uh-uh! You are! You are the baby!

Baby: No I’m not! You are the baby— you STUPID!

Baby Jesus: You poo-poo head!

Me: HEY!

I rapped my wooden spoon on the kitchen counter, “We don’t talk like that.”

Sadie shrugged and held up her babies, “Dey said it Momma. Not me.”

“I’m pretty sure Baby Jesus never called anyone a poo-poo head.”

She raised her eyebrows, “Want me to put him in timeout?”

Sadie put Baby Jesus in timeout for saying poo-poo head, as I finished dinner and wondered if I should send her out to the trampoline.

Backseat Driver

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My kids are officially the last ones to be picked up from school almost every day. I have maxed out on carpool drama. Folks need to learn how to wait in line. Then teach their kids how to do it. Just sayin’.

Today as we were speeding out the door I yelled at Sadie, “Get some clothes on! We’ve got to hurry!”

Sadie, who prefers as do all of my children, to wander around the house nekkid, grabbed a sundress and pulled it over her head. We jumped in the car and before buckling herself in her seat (which, PRAISE THE LORD, she can now do herself) she took OFF the sundress– that she had been wearing approximately 37 seconds. Sadie proceeded to buckle herself into her carseat, in nothing but her panties.

Picture me– not caring.

We zipped through the deserted line and picked Aubrey up. We were heading home when I yielded at a green light before turning left.

Sadie: GOOOOOOO MOMMA!!!! GOOOOO!

Me: Hush you don’t know what you are talking about.

Sadie: GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Me:  I DO NOT TAKE DRIVING ADVICE FROM NEKKID PEOPLE IN FIVE-POINT HARNESSES! Zip it. I’ve got this.

 

 

 

I think that’s called, “Exercise…”

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My daughter and my nephew mesmerized by treadmills today. If I knew how to make little cartoon bubbles on pictures this is what it would say:

Sadie: What are those people doing?

Tucker: I think that’s called, ‘Exercise…’ My mom does it.

Sadie: Ohhhh! Yeah. I’ve heard of that…

Escandalo a la Restaurante Mexicana

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I wish you could hear me say that out loud. I could video myself and youtube it, but damn ya’ll– I said Yes to VBS this week so I’m saying No to everything else.

Yesterday was our first day of VBS– where I worked UNMEDICATED (slightly medicated but not tranquilized) for four hours. Emma and Sadie lost their minds every time they saw me and I basically carried around 80 pounds of somebody else’s weight all day. It could have been a total suckfest for me. But then one of my favorite people on the planet who I haven’t seen since she had her third child*snickers*, then moved out of town, surprised our whole church by showing up with her kids for the day. When her daughter walked into her VBS classroom where Aubrey and all her friends were– you would have thought Elvis had walked in the room. The girls screamed, jumped up and hugged all over their sweet friend.

After VBS we (all my WPC God Squad Ladies) took our kids to eat lunch then swimming. You should know that I have been hermit like for the last 6 months and being gone from my house ALL day long isn’t something my kids are used to. As bad as Sadie needed a nap, I wasn’t going to sacrifice spending an afternoon with my friend. So we hung in there and swam until almost 5 when an executive decision was made about dinner and we ran home to change clothes.

The scene:

Foreboding black clouds roll in and hang over La Pinata as 7, SEVEN couples with roughly 16 kids came strolling in the door. Everyone sat down to order drinks. Except for me and Sadie… we headed to the bathroom.

New place+new potty= Gotta Go Gotta Go Gotta Go Right Now!!

So, we go to the bathroom and I wait for what feels like 35 minutes and say, “Sadie do you need help?”

Sadie: NO MOMMA!! Don’t see me! Don’t see me!

(Translation: I don’t want you to help me but awwww SNAP something just happened and I need help.)

I wiggled the door and opened it to find Sadie sitting with her dress around her ankles. I started giggling and went for my camera and she COVERED UP HER BEWBIES, y’all.

THIS IS NOT A RHETORICAL QUESTION:

WHY MUST THEY GET NEKKID TO GO?

WHY?

And WHY would to take a dress off by pushing it to your ankles?

Sadie Said: Are You Getting Married?

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A few nights ago as I was tucking Sadie into bed she began fiddling with my wedding rings.
Sadie: What’s dat Momma?
Me: Those are my wedding rings.
Sadie: Whats dat one?
Me: This one is my wedding ring and this is my engagement ring. (neither of which I had when we got married cuz we was po.)
Sadie gasped and her eyes lit up, “ARE YOU GONNA GET MARRIED?!”
I snorted with laughter.
Me: I AM married. To your daddy.
Sadie: YOU GONNA GET MARRIED AND BE PWEGNANT?!
Me: Do you even know what that means?
Sadie: you gonna get married and get a baby in your tummy!!
Me: No I’m not!! No more babies!
Sadie: Yes you ah!! You gonna get married and hab a baby in your tummy!

Um… Negative.

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That Booger Tastes JUST Right

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Last week my mother (Shuggie to her grandbabies) was tucking my three-year-old into the bed. As they settled in the sheets, Sadie asked, “Want me to tewl yew da stowy of da beahs or da pigs?”

“Tell me about the bears!” Shuggie said.

Sadie began telling her version of The Three Bears. I’m sure there were lots of gasps and raised eyebrows as Sadie spun her tale. Then she got to the good part, “And den she ate dat baby beahs powidge and it was so good it was jest wight…”

Sadie pinched her thumb and forefinger together as if she was holding a spoon and gestured towards Shuggie’s mouth with it. Shuggie leaned forward and smacked her lips together, “Mmmm-MM! That is some GOOD porridge, Sadie!”

Sadie looked at my mother as if she lost her mind. “Dat’s not powidge Shuggie. Dat’s a boogah.”

This is the point in my mother’s story where I had to leap up and run to the bathroom to keep from peeing on myself. When I came back I said, “Did you actually EAT one of Sadie’s boogers?”

She raised her eyebrows, “No I was just pretending but I won’t even do that again!”

What warm and fuzzy memories did y’all make over Thanksgiving?

photo credit

 

Sadie Said: Because I’m The Mom

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Yes. She. Did.

My two-year-old who fancies herself “Mom” to hordes (droves? flocks? herds?) of baby dolls, just threw the Mom Card in. My Face.

It all started after she gave her doll a “bath” then wanted to put lotion on her. I spent twenty minutes trying to explain to her why she couldn’t put baby lotion on a doll.

Sadie: Huh NEEDS it.
Me: No HUH doesn’t. Her skin can’t absorb it. She doesn’t EVEN HAVE skin, Sadie.
Sadie: YES HUH DOES.

Me: Here put some lotion on SADIE. (Refrains from saying, “She puts the lotion on her skin.” That would be weird.)
Sadie: Okay, Momma. Inna put it up.
Me: (Yay.) Good girl.

She took the lotion back to her bedroom and came back with diaper rash ointment.

No. No. Noooo.

Sadie: Momma, my baby meeds dis for huh booty.
Me: No she doesn’t.
Sadie: HUH DOES. Huh booty is all yucky Momma!
Me: No. She. Doesn’t. Sadie, it’s going to make a huge mess on your doll and she will be so dirty. (It’s a cloth doll so this is no wipe off the grease and go sitch. Her doll was going to be stained and goopy and probably never the same IF it survived the washing machine.)
Sadie: I’m gone do it cuz I’M DA MOMMA!!

Touché.

I simply cannot argue with that kind of logic.

What have your kids said lately that left you speechless?