Motherhood - Part 3

Top 7 Reasons Blissdom is the Best Conference Ever

April 1, 2013 by Robin

I’ve been home from Blissdom for about two weeks and it’s taken me that long to recover and to gather my thoughts. I’ve tried to concisely boil my thoughts into the top seven reasons that Blissdom is the best conference ever.

1) The PEOPLE! I didn’t realize that so many of my bloggy peeps that I’ve met at other conferences were going to be at Blissdom so it was a sweet surprise to get to see so many friends. I made a ton of new friends as well and everyone was easy to talk to and super friendly.

2) The SIZE! The size of the conference is perfect– not too big, not too small. It’s a small enough scale that I felt like I got a chance to really connect with other bloggers AND the brands without being overwhelmed.

3) The BRANDS! I was super excited to see my girl Brittany from TechnoGel (makers of my amazing unicorn pillow). Rachel from Soybu, won my love forever when she gave me the softest infinity scarf ever touched by human hands. And I fell so in love with Bre and Alexis from Obagi that it’s gonna require a separate blog post to tell you all about it.

4) The CONTENT! Blissdom is savvy and soulful. I go to a lot of conferences, writers’ conferences tend to focus on the creative side of things while blogging conferences tend to focus on tech skills. I found that Blissdom had just the right amount of both. I especially loved Megan Jordan’s talk on the power of uninterrupted focus (good lord I need to CLOSE SOME TABS when I’m writing!) And Shelly Kramer’s talk about SEO– I actually learned things that I am using right now. Right this very second, in front of your very eyes!! Aren’t you amazed?!

5) The Speakers! There is NOTHING I detest more than being at a conference and running into a “big name” speaker and getting blown off. Or talking to someone and notice them looking over my shoulder for someone more interesting. You can TELL when people are uninterested. Every. Single. Speaker that I had the opportunity to meet was engaged and interested. Including…

6) ANA GASTEYER!!!!

Y’all. Y’ALL!!!

I was having drinks in the lobby with a group of bloggers when my Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop bestie , Kim-Marie Evans of Luxury Travel Mom, came running up to me and said she’d just had her picture taken with Ana Gasteyer– whom I have loved wholeheartedly since she was on SNL back in the day and CONTINUE to love on Suburgatory (watch it!!) After I freaked the freak out, Kim-Marie pulled me across the lobby and introduced me to Ana. I gave her a copy of “Ketchup” and we stood around chatting about internet shopping. Then I realized one of the women talking with us was Patty Breen, one of the producers of the show, and freaked out again. I may have cussed.

Ana, Patty and Jeremy Sisto did a Q&A that night about Suburgatory and the creative process. After the official interview was over, mics were passed through the audience for questions. EVERYBODY was whispering about “Schweddy Balls” but nobody was asking questions so I stood up, grabbed a mic and asked Ana to please for the love of God, to say “Schweddy Balls.”

Which apparently threw her a little bit because she said this was her worst nightmare. WHICH I get because when I tell people I’m a humor columnist I get, “Really?? Tell me a joke,” all the time like I sit around writing knock-knock jokes. (“You’re a clown fish! Tell us something funny!”) It’s annoying. So afterwards I slid into the end of the picture line and apologized for putting her on the spot.

I’m pretty sure she loves me back.

7) Jon Acuff was the closing keynote and he was amazing. I didn’t realize he was going to be so funny. And y’all know how I feel about funny. In addition, he gave us all copies of his latest book Start: Punch Fear in the Face. Escape Average. Do Work That Matters,which hasn’t even come out yet! ~~I have 9 extra copies that I’ll give to the first 9 people who email me with a mailing address!~~ They are all spoken for! Gotta be quick!

I do need a little help though, Jon is having a contest to see which Blissdom attendee can send the most traffic to his site in the next month. The winner gets to go to dinner with Jon and Dave Ramsey in Nashville in September!!

I really wanted to win until I realized that I’m going to be in Nashville the following week with my kids and there is no way I can drive there twice. SOOOOOO I really want my Blissdom roomie to win! Mandy Rose of House of Rose— she is a HUGE fan of Jon Acuff and her husband is a financial blogger and this could be a huge connection for them. SOOOO click on this link to check out Jon Acuff’s book and help get Mandy to Nashville! (Also check out her blog because I am newly obsessed with it.)

If you are looking for a blogging conference I HIGHLY recommend Blissdom!

I’m Feeling Very Pinteresting (Reuse Your Egg Crates!)

March 30, 2013 by Robin

I don’t know why I’m feeling very pinteresting? Maybe because it’s Spring and I want to clean– ish. Like I want my house to be organized but I don’t want to expend any actual energy to get’er done, ya know?

I’ve been cooking all day (deviled eggs, gluten-free macaroni and cheese and Quiche Lorraine) getting ready for Easter tomorrow and I realized I had empty egg crates, and I remembered something I had been wanting to do.

When I was in California last fall, I went into this little boutique and on a table they were reusing the bottom half of egg crates to display jewelry and I was all, “THAT is genius!!” And I’ve been meaning to do this to my jewelry drawer since um… October?

So, anywho…

Now you won’t have to dig for a rogue earring. They’ll be chillin’ there right next to each other.

UNA MAS (Name that movie, Jenn.)

Peyton, one of my besties, got some foam boot inserts from her mom for Valentine’s Day (What up, Janice?!) and I was wandering through Wal-Mart one day trying to remember what was on my list that I left at home when BOOM– water noodles. SO I bought a few, brought ’em home, chopped ’em up and stuffed them in all my boots. It does sort of look like there are people standing in the top of my closet now, but at least I can find all my shoes.

(Sidebar– I probably should’ve chosen a different color noodle to photograph cuz those orange ones look like creepy legs.

Sidebar to the sidebar– SAD– Seasonal Affective Disorder.)

So that’s it. That’s all I got. Don’t expect me to ever share anything like this again, ever. I’m exhausted just from adding text to the pictures. So pin it, y’all. PIN. IT.

Got any good organization tips to share??

At What Age Are You Supposed to Stop Wearing Your Baby? (Say Five.)

March 7, 2013 by Robin

At what age will it be creepy for my kids to wake up in the middle of the night to find me sitting on the edge of their beds staring at them? It’s part of my nightly routine, after walking through the house locking doors, flipping off lights and running the dishwasher, I tiptoe into my daughters’ bedrooms and stare at them.

Some nights I get all the way back to my bed before I realize I didn’t check on them. I hesitate before I lie down, thinking that skipping one night isn’t that big of a deal. Then, my crazy kicks in and I do a little math— only 10 years until Aubrey graduates, 12 years for Emma, 14 for Sadie and before I know it I’m standing over their beds, rearranging their blankets, tucking their hair behind their ears and kissing their smooth cheeks while they sleep.

I’ve told them that I do this, mostly as an extraction techinique for exiting Sadie’s room. She wins the award for being able to draw out bedtime the longest and for the most creative excuses to get out of the bed.

Some of her best:

“Momma, I bited myself on da knee and it huts weally bad. I meed a Band-Aid!” (Don’t you hate it when you accidentally bite your knee?)

“You porgot my ice water.” I get her icewater.

“Not DAT cup! Dat’s Emma’s cup! I want da pwincess cup wif the purple wid!”

Sometimes she has to deal with it, but because she shares a room with Emma (who falls asleep as soon as her head hits the pillow) occasionally I am forced to negoitiate with the little terrorist to keep from waking her older sister.

I deliver the princess cup with the purple and head to the living room, before I can get to the couch. “Momma! You porgot dat ting so my hands won’t be fweezing!” She yells.

My eyes roll back in my head so far that I see my brain.

A hugger. My four-year-old can’t go to sleep at night because the DIVA needs a hugger on her sippy cup to keep her hands from getting cold.

I take her the hugger, hastily slip it on her sippy cup, give her “ONE more kiss and a hug,” and as I back out of the room slowly I assure her that in just five short minutes I’ll be back to kiss her and hug her again. Just as soon as she goes to sleep. It seems to reassure her and briefly stops her demands long enough for me to run out of earshot.

Still trying to be in charge she yells, “Momma, in four minutes come back in here and gib us six more kisses okay?”

“Will do!” I shout as a slam the door behind me thinking that fourteen years might be a really, really long time.

After being out of town for several days over the last two weeks, I’ve lingered even longer at bedtime, snuggling and talking with my girls. This past weekend was glorious, my husband had to be out of town this week as well so my mother, Shuggie, stayed here with the girls while we were gone. Friday was a busy day, I ran from place to place in the freezing cold counting down until 5pm when Zeb would get back from his business trip and we would all be home together with nowhere to go. I cooked a huge pot of spaghetti, turned on the fireplace and put on my pjs as soon as we got home and looked forward to a weekend with my little family back under the same roof.

I laid in the bed with Emma, my six-year-old. Sadie, her roomie, had begged to sleep with Aubrey and Emma gladly let her go, relishing the quiet in their shared room. I kissed her all over Emma’s face and told her how precious she is to me.

“I love you so much. Do you know that? I am so glad that God made you just the way He did and gave you to me! I think you are so sweet and kind, and you are SUCH a good helper. You always do what I ask you to and say yes ma’am. And you know what else I love about you?” I asked.

“What?”

“You are so funny and silly! You make me laugh.” I kissed her forehead again and said goodnight but didn’t move to get up.

“Momma,” Emma said, “Are you going to come back in here and kiss me later?”

“Yep. I always do. I kiss you while you sleep, I smooch all over your little face! Is that creepy?”

“Nah, I don’t think so.”

“When do you think that will be creepy? When you are 15, 16? In college?”

She shrugged.

“I guess if you woke up in your dorm room and saw me standing over your bed that would be kind of creepy, huh?” I joked.

She giggled, “I guess so.”

“Do you think Shuggie still does that to me? Do you think she sneaks in my room to kiss me when I’m asleep?”

“I don’t know.”

“When you get big like me, if you need a hug and a kiss, I’ll drive to wherever you are just to give you one,” I promised.

She threw her arms around my neck and squeezed, “You are the best Momma in the whole world. And I bet Shuggie would do THAT for you. I know she loves you that much!”

“I think so too. But I won’t have very far to drive because you are going to live right next door, remember? And I’m going to babysit your babies…”

“That’ll be awesome! Then I won’t ever have to pay a babysitter!”

I snickered at her maternal instinct, “You can say that again.”

Sadie yelled from the other room, “Momma my wegs are sword.”

I sighed, “Alright, let me go tend to her. I love you. Nighty-night.”

She rolled over in her bed, “Night. And Momma? Don’t forget to come back when I’m asleep, okay?”

“I won’t,” I said as I turned out the light and thought to myself that even with “sword legs,” self-inflicted bite marks and sippy cups in huggers, that fourteen years might not be long enough.

One more question… at what age are you supposed to stop wearing your “baby”?

Please say five.

My 6-Year-Old Drops the Eff Bomb, Learns About The Birds & The Bees, Then I Do a Shot at 4pm

February 6, 2013 by Robin

If you’ve read my book you know I’ve had “The Talk” with Aubrey, my oldest, about a dozen times. She was four-years-old when Sadie was born and while little two-year-old Emma was unwrapping her new baby to look at her toes, Aubrey was jumping up and down on the bed yelling, “HOW DID SHE GET OUT?! HOW DID SHE GET OUT?! HOW DID SHE GET OUT?! HOW DID SHE GET OUT?! HOW DID SHE GET OUT?! “

Aubrey, at the ripe old age of eight, has known the down and dirty for a looooooong time. In addition, she’s learned a few bad words over the last year that we have discussed ad nauseum. Every time she learns a new word at school she comes home and tells me. I tell her what it means and that if she says it at school she will be in deep, um, well… sh*t. *ahem*

A man I respect a WHOLE lot has said that these days you should have “The Talk” with your kids before second grade to make sure that they are getting their first bits of information about sex from you instead of some kid on the playground. I’ve been looking for opportunities to talk about this with Emma since she is in first grade, but the child is so sweet and innocent! She’s curious but she’d rather disassemble the pencil sharpener to see how it works than to wonder where babies come from. An opportunity hasn’t presented itself so I’ve been reluctant to give her extra information.

After school today, Emma perched on the kitchen counter while I cooked dinner and chattered away. She spoke of Valentine’s Day and a certain little boy’s name she had been writing in hearts on the back of her worksheet. (Sidebar– a totally different little boy than the one she said she was going to marry last week. #WorriedAboutThisOne)

Then out of the blue she said, “Somebody said The Aff word at school today!”

Me: Whaaaaa?

Her eyes got big, “YOU KNOW… The AFF word!!”

Me: The Eff Word?

She nodded.

Me: Oh? In your class?

Her: No. In another class.

Me: How do you know they said it?

Her: I heard it! (She beamed.) I have GREAT ears!

I snickered, “Oh… well, then. Do you know what The Eff Word is?”

She nodded her white blond head. “Yup.”

I don’t know why I did this. Y’all!? WHY did I ask? I don’t think I really believed her, so I said, “What is it?”

And that sweet innocent little baby looked me straight in the eye, with her index finger halfway up her nose, and said, “F***.” Matter-of-factly. Nonchalant. No biggie.

This face. This face is the one that looked at me and said that word.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I turned my face away from her and let out an all purpose snort. I turned back to her with a straight face.

Me: Who told you that?

Her: Aubrey.

(I was FILLED WITH A FIERY RAGE which she saw in my face.)

Me: Oh. Did she tell you what it means?

Her: Nope.

She looked scared.

(Deep breath. I gave her a hug.)

Me: You aren’t in trouble. I want you to talk to me about this stuff, okay? Did she at least tell you how bad it is?

Her: Oh YES! It’s the worst! The MOTHER! The Queen Mother! The F Dash Dash Dash word!! The worst word in the whole world!

I nodded my head. “Right. And it means having sex. Do you know what that is?”

Her: Uh-uh.

Sweet Baby Jesus. Help me, help me, help me.

I cleared my throat. “Um well…” I launched into a brief but thorough AND anatomically correct description. Her eyes got huge. I took another deep breath.

“Do you have any questions?”

She shook her head, ” Um, NO. This is weird, gross, funny… and a little confusing.”

Me: Agreed.

Then my husband came and picked up all three girls to take them to church so I could do this podcast interview. Fingers crossed she doesn’t tell everyone in her class what she just learned.

When did you talk to your kids about sex? How’d that work out for ya?

ALSO if y’all could vote for me in this contest I would really appreciate it! Scroll down to my name and click the button to vote. That’s it! Two clicks!

Tweens, Instagram & Inappropriate Laughter

January 29, 2013 by Robin

Who’s ready for more inappropriate potty humor???? Everyone??

That’s what I thought.

I was over at a friend’s house today talking to her and her tween daughter. Talk of Instagram came up and my friend told me that someone Tween knew had posted a semi-scandalous picture of themself (I know that’s not a word but WHATEVS) and Tween had seen it and told her mother. This led to a great convo in which they discussed, again, what was and wasn’t okay to post on the Internet.

Me: Don’t EVER even take a picture of yourself that you wouldn’t want to have to show to your grandparents, yourself.

Tween: I know…

Me: I mean, once it’s out there, even if you take it down, somebody has already forwarded it or taken a screen shot and they can do whatever they want to with it.

Friend: We’ve talked about this a lot. I hope it’s sinking in. We had one little incident around Christmas when our elf (You know those Elf on a Shelf thingies?) replaced everyone’s stocking with a pair of their underwear. Before I knew it she had taken a picture and posted the whole family’s underwear online.

Tween giggled.

Me: Uh-oh, so now all your friends have seen your parent’s underwear?

Friend: Speaking of underwear, I need to get Son some new underwear. He’s practically in the same size as Hubs now.

Tween’s jaw dropped to the ground.

Tween: Momma!! Does Brother have a huge weinie?????

I spit my Diet Coke across the room and any semblance of trying to be a good role model went out the window as I doubled over with laughter and wheezed the rest of my Diet Coke into my lungs.

Friend was as thrown by my laughter as she was Tween’s comment so we all laughed hysterically for a couple of minutes. I was wiping tears out of my eyes as Friend pulled herself together.

Friend: NO! Good grief! It’s just that–

Tween interrupted: Daddy’s is really small???

I almost vomited with laughter.

Friend: *screams tweens name* NO! OMG! It has NOTHING to do with that! He is just getting bigger everywhere!! That’s ALL!

Me: 4 hours later– still laughing.

I haven’t had to deal with cell phone drama yet. But I’ll go ahead and say it. I’m skeered.

Have you had to deal with cell phone drama? Biggest issue? If not, biggest fear?

You can follow me on Instagram as robinobryant. (Expect lots of inappropriate pictures.)

Don’t Set Out to Change the World

January 14, 2013 by Robin

As my children have gotten a little older I’ve found myself wishing for school to start back less and less when they are out for a break, this Christmas was the best yet. It’s been almost a year since someone’s puked on a road trip, everyone has pretty fail proof bladder control and all three girls get along pretty well.

I remember the days not so long ago when I started counting down the days until school started back while I was still sitting in the school parking lot. It’s been such a blessing to really enjoy spending time with them and being able to do things other than change diapers and say “NO!” one million times a day.

We spent a week with The Farm People (my in-laws) in Jasper, Ala. the freezing rain didn’t dampen the kids’ enthusiasm at all. They played with their cousins, baked with their aunts and curled up on sofas to nap with their sweet grandmother. It was picture perfect.

BUT. (Did you see that? That was a big but.) After a week of rain back in our own house, everyone was starting to get restless. The girls were starting to fight with each other and the shriek factor was rising— as was my blood pressure. The girls were complaining that they were bored which is something of a trigger for my Momma who had come to town to visit.

It was Friday, the sun finally peeked out from behind the clouds and the rain stopped, she suggested we take them for a walk. I scoffed. “I’ve tried that before. You won’t make it 20 feet out of the driveway before one of them is crying that they are hungry, somebody has to pee and somebody else wants you to carry them. It just doesn’t work.”

Shuggie, as my children call her, was undaunted. Not that I was surprised, as far as I can tell my mother is fearless in all things. She told them to get dressed, they were going for a walk. I decided to take a walk as well— in the opposite direction, walking as fast as I could with my earbuds shoved in my ears and my music blaring. I walked for about 20 minutes before circling back to the house to catch up with them. I knew they had headed down to the levee to throw rocks in the river and I figured I could find them there.

I wasn’t surprised to see them leaving our driveway for a second time, what was a bit surprising was that they were all holding garbage bags. Knowing my Momma like I do, it took me about half a second to realize they were headed back to the river to pick up trash.

I caught up to them a few minutes later and found them all picking up litter off the rocks leading down to the river.

Shuggie had her extender gripper that I got her last Christmas, so she doesn’t have to actually bend over to pick anything up at my house and she was going to town.

Aubrey and Emma, my eight and six-year-old were on all fours climbing carefully up and down the rocks tossing their bags ahead of them. They were focused on what they were doing and the whiny dissatisfied children I’d seen in my living room only half an hour before were no where in sight.

Aubrey talked to me as we picked up trash, “Momma! Why are people so nasty? Why would they throw this trash down here? It’s so gross!” Emma squealed every time she found an interesting rock and stuffed them all into her pockets. Sadie, my four-year-old, followed behind my mother in the grass above the rocks, holding a garbage bag open for her.

We filled four bags slam full in less time than it would have taken them to watch one episode of iCarly, and when I told them it was time to go home because it was starting to get chilly again they begged to stay. “Momma! I just found this arrowhead! I want to look for more!” Aubrey protested. Any rock that is remotely shaped like a triangle is an arrowhead. I gave them a few more minutes and then we walked home.

The girls played in the yard but their restlessness and whining was gone. I could tell they felt satisified— the way you do when you’ve done something for someone other than yourself— and they were contented by the sunshine and crisp cold air.

I spent the rest of the weekend thinking about my Momma’s wisdom, in the simple act of getting my kids outside, seeing a need and then give them the tools to take action and make their community better. I marveled that such a small fragment of time, such a small act, could give them contentment and joy.

Aubrey asked on Saturday after my mother left for Alabama, if we could go back to the rocks and finish cleaning up. As it was raining again and the levee is steep I told her it would have to wait.

In church on Sunday, my Sunday School class was talking about the peace of God: what does it mean? Is it real? Is it meant for us in this world or the next? Can we have it? What do we do with it? The discussion was interesting but when Gene Stansel spoke, I grabbed a pen and scribbled down his words on my church bulletin. His words rang true and perfectly put into perspective of what I felt my Momma had taught my kids with a simple walk.

Gene said, in his Mississippi drawl, “Don’t set out to change the world, just do the next best thing. Everyday.”

I believe I’m going to steal my Momma’s attitude and Gene’s words and make them my own personal motto. I hope you will, too.

Nikki Knepper Proposed to Me on Twitter Cuz We Both Like Big Butts

January 4, 2013 by Robin

First of all– HI! How are ya? How was Chrimuh? Happy New Year! Etc, etc. I peaced out of the blogosphere right before my 35th birthday (best one yet!) and spent lots and lots of quality time with the fam. We went to see the Farm People for a week, stayed up late, slept late and laughed until our sides hurt.

If you missed me while I was gone then you need to friend me on FB, follow me on Twitter and Instagram! Even when I take a vacation from blogging I’m still running my virtual mouth somewhere.

And on that note, I’m sure you want to know why the Queen of Cussin’, founder of Moms Who Drink and Swear, was so filled with love and adoration for me that she proposed to me on the Twitter.

Nikki and I are both gluten-free so on occasion we share recipes or products we like with each other. I was shopping at Walmart earlier this week when Nikki texted me about her lunch. Here’s what had happened: