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Oh, BTW I Got A Book Deal

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No biggie.

EXCEPT THAT ALL OF MY FREAKING DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE.

The last two weeks have been incredible. Honest to God, if you haven’t read my blog before or haven’t read lately, the last few posts should catch you up but basically? I’m winning at life right now.

I’ve dropped 30 pounds since May. Boom. 

I’m running further than I ever have in my whole life. And I’m one of those people who runs for cake or when their life is in danger. Bazinga. 

I hit the NYTs Bestseller List. I’m not making this up. 

And last week, I signed a two book deal with St Martin’s Press for dollars. Real American money. Not the Monopoly kind and not even coupons– which if you can believe 97.4% of PR companies, are  the standard currency for bloggers in these United States.

Can you believe it? 

I can’t. I literally cannot believe that all of this has happened to me.

I was talking to my agent The Jenny Bent, last week and she was all: I never thought I’d say this but I need more excitement from Robin O’Bryant.

And I was like: I feel like this is happening to someone else. I’m thinking, ‘Oh! I went to high school with her! She was a really nice girl! Good for her!’

But it’s me!! Good for me!!

What this means is that St Martin’s has purchased my fourth baby, Ketchup is a Vegetable and will be republishing it early next year, as well as… wait for it… my NEXT book.

For realz, y’all.

I’m like a real writer now. How’d that happen?

“Ketchup is a Vegetable” for FREE!!

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Ketchup is a vegetable

Today ONLY “Ketchup is a Vegetable and Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves” will be free to download on Kindle to anyone who wants it! Check out the Women’s Literary Cafe to see the 42 other amazing books that are all offered for free TODAY ONLY! (Lord, I feel like a furniture salesman. HURRY, HURRY, HURRY!)

If you’ve been wanting to read “Ketchup” but waiting for a little extra change in your pocket, here is your big chance! Download it and tell your friends!!

What NOT to Do at a Book Signing

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Please note my friend Jim,  front row, who is wiping TEARS out of his eyes. God, it was bad.

I went to my hometown of Jasper, Alabama last week to sign my book, “Ketchup is a Vegetable and Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves.” (Which, by the by, is currently top-rated #1 in Parenting/Humor on Amazon AND free to read for Amazon Prime Members. *flashes charming smile* DING! As you were…)

Normally when we go home it’s for a quick trip to see my in-laws. We see other folks in passing but there never seems to be enough time to sit and visit with everyone we would like to see. But last week I did just that. For two days I sat and talked to all of my hometown favorites: my friends’ parents who helped to raise me, school teachers, church friends, and column readers who I had never met. I had a blast.

I was especially excited for my Friday night signing where I was going to be reading from the book. When you write for a publication of any kind, you submit your columns and hope for the best. You wonder if people enjoy them or hate them, if they laugh or cry… but often you never know either way. Reading your work to readers is amazing because you get to see, hear and experience the reader reacting to your story.

I spent the afternoon between signings in my dad’s office working on some last minute details. Three of my best friends were with me, and I realized I hadn’t decided what to read that evening. I wanted to choose carefully because while most of the material is PG-13, I didn’t want to scandalize any children who might be attending with their parents. My friends and I flipped through the book considering essays, “Awkward Naked Moments” is one of my favorites but not something I’d read to my own kids so we kept looking.

“What about ‘Road Trips’?” My sister suggested.

“I think it may be a little too long.” We kept turning pages.

“ ‘In Sickness and In Health’ might be a good one,” I suggested.

My girls all quickly agreed. The story features all of my family members and some classic male/female comedy. It was decided. We had thought this through and made a calculated and (somewhat) educated decision.

We hustled over to the restaurant and I signed books and visited for a bit before I began reading. By the third paragraph my chest was red and splotchy. My face was roughly the same temperature as the surface of the sun and my ears felt like they were going to spontaneously combust on the side of my head.

I had chosen, out of 32 essays, to read roughly 3000 words dedicated to nausea, vomiting and diarrhea… while people were eating dinner. I wanted to die. I paused to apologize, “Y’all. I’m really sorry about this. I obviously didn’t think this out. I know y’all are eating and I’m talking about vomit and if you came here to eat and not to see me, then… I’m really, REALLY sorry.”

I couldn’t go back, so I just went ahead and read with gusto. I said “Puke, diarrhea, breastfeeding, and vomit” repeatedly, and died a little on the inside every time. When I finally, blissfully reached the end of the essay I apologized again, “I’m really sorry if I ruined your dinner, but honest to God that was the mildest chapter I could think of to read.”

Hopefully, I was the only one there who actually felt like throwing up. If awkwardness could be measured in nickels and dimes, I’d be a wealthy woman by now.

Ketchup is a Vegetable Hits a Bestseller List! WHOOT!

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Y’all. I just don’t know that I can do this moment justice. Dammit. I am already crying. My book is here and even though I’ve been working towards this day for almost three years, it doesn’t still seem real.


I had my first signing last night at the best indie bookstore on the planet, TurnRow Books. My peeps filled that joint up and for an hour and a half I signed book after book after book. And every single time, I was in awe. I was amazed that they cared enough to come, to spend their hard earned dollars on my words. I can’t even wrap my mind around it.

Last night was more than I ever thought it could be AND I didn’t fall down, cry, spell my name wrong OR cuss in front of the children. (I did have to lightly sensor myself to prevent that last one.) But to get to read my words… to HEAR laughter instead of just hoping for it when my columns are read and blog posts are read… well, it was sort of addictive. I’m ready to do it again.

Me and my friend Kathryn. I mostly just wanted y’all to see how amazing my hair looked.

THEN today, one of my most favorite writers EVER in the history of the world, Laurie Notaro, gave me a little Idiot Girl Shout Out on her Facebook page. My fellow IGs went bananas and started buying up Kindle copies of the book and pushed my book all the way up to #8 on the Kindle Best-Seller List for Parenting/Humor. And Ketchup was #22 on the Humor/Essay category right there with Chelsea Handler, David Sedaris and Mindy Kaling. I still can’t believe it.

I don’t even know what to say other than thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. From the bottom of my heart– thank you. If you want to check for signings click on the Events tab, I’ll be updating regularly. To order copies, click on the picture in the sidebar or go to TurnRow to order signed copies. You can even get them personalized. I’m going up there to sign books every few days so that they can get them shipped out to you in time for Christmas!

OH! And also, I made TurnRow’s November Bestseller list. I took a picture of it in their bathroom.

BOOM! 

AND I ALMOST FORGOT! MY FRIEND PAULINE IS GIVING AWAY A SIGNED COPY! GO FORTH AND READ HER INTERVIEW AND TRY TO WIN!! 

10 Ways Writing a Book is Like Having a Baby

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1) Your due date is totally irrelevant. The last month before you deliver/publish is the L-O-N-G-E-S-T of your life.

2) You never know when you will get to sleep through the night or when you will be up all night tending to your baby.

3) You think life is hard when you’re pregnant. Then you have that baby and you are like, “Crap. PUT IT BACK! It was so much easier to take care of before it was out in the world!”

4) You are super proud of your baby and possibly unable to judge how rotten she is… because she’s yours. This is why you need other people. It takes a village. You need your Momma to tell you to quit holding her all the time and to remind you who you were BEFORE you had this kid. And you need your beta readers, agents and editors to tell you to QUIT WITH THE CAPSLOCK ALREADY, and to help you to learn to let go of the parts that weren’t good enough anyway.

5) Then at that moment… right before you push your baby into the world, you panic, “What was I thinking? How the hell am I  supposed to know how to do this?  I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING!” That’s when all those people:  your Momma, betas, agents and editors will rally around you and scream, text, and tweet you to tell you to, “PUUUUUUUUSHH!


Proud Big Sister.

6) It’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. It’s cover is shiny and flawless and your heart will ache when you look at it  because you remember what it took to bring this life into the world. And you know without a doubt that your book will die without it’s mother tending to it. You take one more moment to gaze lovingly onto your exquisitely perfect cover before you get back to work.

They are so sweet when they’re sleeping. 

7) You crack open your ARC for one last read through and whaddaya know? Typo’s AND poop happen.  (See what I did there. I made ‘typo’ A typo. Stay with me.)


Something is stank up in here.

8 ) Once you’ve birthed that book baby, you don’t want to let it out of your sight. You want to cuddle, snuggle, and take it everywhere you go.

9) But you still want it to experience the world.

10) You’ll want to expose it to all sorts of new things while still protecting it from anything bad– like bullies and people who are power trippin’ on Goodreads’ and Amazon reviews.

 

Safety first.

11) Right before you start selling it to strangers. WAIT… that’s not the same.

Pre-order the Kindle edition of “Ketchup is a Vegetable” HERE, or order the paperback HERE! Or order a signed and personalized edition from my local indie store HERE! I sign, they ship! Yay TEAMWORK!

 

Wanna Know The Title Of My Book????

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Do you have any idea how hard it’s been for me to keep this a secret?? I mean, I am amazing with secrets about real-life-super-important stuff but THIS. Is. Too. Much. I have wanted to just blab it and blab it and blab it.

But I haven’t.

I have waited.

I have been patient. And now I get to tell you. But first, I need a few more lines of text so that all you people on Facebook can’t CHEAT and just read the first few lines and see the title. Nope. I’m gonna make you click a link. Don’t be lazy. It’s just one click for crying out loud.

That should do it.

DRUMROLL PLEASE… (BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! I don’t know how to type how a drumroll sounds. Obvs.)

Ketchup Is A Vegetable And Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves

BOOM! Fireworks! YAAAAAAAY! Who’s excited?! THIS GIRL!

If you read the blog or my columns, you can expect more stories about motherhood, my family and a little about faith– but also, y’all– I talk about lady bits A LOT. It’s sort of Robin Gone WILD and it’s less censored than anything else I’ve ever published either online or in print.

Which may explain why I have been stress eating chocolate and breathing into a brown paper bag seven to twelve times a day– it’s more me. I was trying to explain to Rachel Hawkins, a writer friend who had been there, done that, how I felt and she said, “Yes! You feel like you are about to be IN YOUR PANTIES ON THE INTERNETS!” And I was like, “Yes! THAT exactly!”

Because I am going to be naked in front of y’all. (Lord, I can’t wait to see the spammers I get out of this post.) I’m showing you more of who I am, exposing more of my weaknesses and making a lot of jokes about genitals. Hey– you have kids and you have to talk about body parts a lot. Like a lot, a lot. (A lot. Prepare yourselves.)

I’m excited and I’m scared and that’s the truth. I was telling Zeb how I felt and he said, “Well, just remember– I’ve seen you naked before and I like it a lot.”

The book is funny so unlike if you were to ever ACTUALLY see me nekkid? Pointing and laughing is highly recommended.

Release date is scheduled for November 12, 2011. Check back for more updates.

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