Yeah, that’s right, I said “scissors.”

You’re nervous aren’t you?

You should be.

Emma started going to preschool here in Mississippi a couple of weeks ago. Her very first day of school she got in the car and said, “Momma, dey hab sizzors eby-way-are!”

Not, “Mommy, I made you a picture!” or “My teacher is so nice!” or “That boy was mean to me.” No-sir-ee.

They had scissors and she was allowed to touch them. Not only was she allowed to touch them but she was encouraged to play with them…to cut Play-Doh with them. It was the single most amazing experience of her life and she was beyond excited.

My friend Lizzie picked Emma up from school today, because Emma is totally in love with her and begged me not to come pick her up but to “Call Miz Wizzie and tell huh ‘you go get Emma in da stwoller,’ Mmm-kay, Momma?”

When Lizzie walked in my house and announced that Emma had “an accident” with her scissors, I assumed we were going to be sporting a crew cut for the next few months. But no, she attacked her dress instead…

Did you know a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser could also double as a toothbrush? I didn’t. But Emma did.

I just got out of my bed after unsuccessfully trying to get Emma and Sadie to nap at the same time. I would get one of them settled in just enough time for the other one to wake up crying. I finally got Sadie down and I was lying in the bed with a very still, and quiet Emma. I was starting to drift off, when my nose was assaulted with the most vile smell imaginable. You may or may not remember The Poop Wars that scarred me (and apparently a reader) for life, but as soon as I smelled poop my eyes popped open.

It was, as my brother would have said in 1989, SBD- silent but deadly. I looked over at Emma just in time to see her crying, in her sleep, and pinching her nose closed. It was that bad. So bad, that neither of us could sleep…or stay in the room. Thankfully, she didn’t have an accident but nap time was ovah, people. OVAH.

A few days ago Emma used a pen to draw all over my ottoman. Right before I unleashed my full Mother Fury on her she looked at me with tears filling her big blue eyes and said, “But Momma! It says I wub you!”

I don’t care if she wrote the next great American novel. I am sick of this kid drawing on everything in my house.

Aubrey and Emma have been playing outside today with their best friend Tristan. I’ve been keeping an eye on them through the kitchen window while I play in the floor with Sadie and watch the Auburn vs Alabama game. I walked outside to check on them and noticed Emma’s hair looked a little wet.

“Emma, what’s in your hair?”

“I pixed it Momma.”

“With what?” I leaned over and sniffed her hair. My nostrils were assaulted with the smell of fried poultry. I wondered briefly if she’d picked up a part-time job at KFC before I realized that the peanut oil we used yesterday to fry our turkey was still outside.

Anybody know how to get peanut oil/turkey grease out of hair?

UPDATE!
Thanks to all you mom’s of mischievous kids for recommending using Dawn. I actually was able to shampoo it out, and her hair looked so silky and shiny that I’m contemplating grabbin a fistful for myself!

This morning while I was catching up on some work, Emma (3) was playing in Baby Sadie’s room. (Sadie, you’ll be glad to know, was NOT in the room with her.) Emma had been missing for a little too long, and she was a little too quiet.
“Emma? EMMA?”
“Vat Momma?” She yelled from the other the room.
“What are you doing in there?”
“Ummm, no-ting!”
“Come here.”
“VAT MOMMA?” Emma asked, exasperated as she walked into the den.
“What are you doing in there?”
“I’m NOT eating dat candy, Momma. I’m not.”
“You’re not?”
“Nope, I not. I not put dat candy in my mouf. Mm-mm. Nope, I didn’t. And I didn’t chew it up Momma…”
“Really?”
“Nope, and I not swallow it either Momma.”

I’m so sure.

I had to take Emma for a check-up yesterday. While we were sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office, she walked up to the fish tank and opened the childproofed cabinet like it was HER JOB. No hesitation, no stumbling…she opened the door, pressed the lever down and had the door open in less than 2 seconds.
This. Is not. Good.