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Emma Was My Favorite– For 5 Whole Minutes

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Zebulicious has been out-of-town since yesterday, so this is Day 2 of solo bedtime duty. I made the mistake of posting this on Facebook earlier:

She did all of that. Aubrey “couldn’t find” any of her school clothes and wanted me to “help” her. Translation= do it for her because she didn’t feel like it. Before I could even respond Emma said, “I’ll help you.” She laid out their clothes, put pajamas on Sadie and picked up around the den. My heart swelled with love for that little peanut.
I was excited about getting the girls in bed and getting to watch The Bachelor while following Jennifer Weiner’s live Tweets without shame or judgment from the Hubster, since he won’t be home until later tonight. I sent the girls to brush their teeth, picked up in the kitchen for a few minutes then almost had a heart attack when THIS walked into the kitchen.
As I may or may not have mentioned, Zebulicious and I have been watching A  HELLA lot of The Walking Dead and I am the biggest scaredy cat of all time ever. So when I say my heart STOPPED for a few seconds. I mean to say– IT STOPPEDED. Then this happened:

I almost died laughing when right after I called Emma in the room I overheard Sadie say to Aubrey, “I know, wight??” Then she toots and tells us all about it.

I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

I’m not bragging about my kids anymore on the Internetz. POUNDSIGN: I’m a liar.

If Emma’s careers as an assassin and/or cat burglar don’t pan out, I’d say she’s got a future as a makeup artist.

In Which I Humiliate My Oldest Child

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The Tuesday after Halloween my eight-year-old ran to get the newspaper from the end of our driveway like she does every day. Aubrey loves to steal the comics out of the paper before her Daddy can even touch it. I was a little nervous about her reading my column that day. She gets embarrassed over the most random things. So I wasn’t surprised when she screamed, “MOM!!!!!” halfway through the article. I was however shocked about what she found so humiliating.

Here’s the column:

Halloween is not my favorite— I know this is probably shocking information. You are probably asking yourself, “But why wouldn’t you love to chase three small children fueled by high fructose corn syrup all over town in the pitch black praying that they don’t get hit by a car or lost in the dark?”

And to you, I’d say, “Exactly.” 

My anxiety levels increase in direct proportion to my children’s blood sugar level— school parties, fall festivals— sugar sneaks in to their day while they are at school and they become ticking time bombs, their blood sugar crashing just in time to get in the car with me. 

I picked the girls up from school on Halloween and braced myself for my least favorite night of the year. Aubrey and Emma dressed as “scary vampire ghost girls.” While I negotiated how much makeup they could wear, I told Sadie to go put on her costume. Sadie had originally said she wanted to be a police officer which was extremely convenient for me because Emma was a police woman last year and the costume fit Sadie. But when she got ready to go trick or treating with her class, she folded at the last minute and dressed as a princess.

I had no idea what she was going to put on when she walked out of the bathroom, but being as she is the third child, I really didn’t care. Sadie came back quickly wearing a hot pink leotard, her purple tennis shoes and a cape. I choked on my laughter and asked her what she was. She rolled her eyes, “A supah hewoe gull— duh!” 

She looked like Richard Simmons in a cape. 

“Of course you are! But you need pants, it’s cold.” I bargained. 

She ran out of the room and came back after adding a pair of blue jeans to her get-up. 

Emma fell apart trying to find a pair of shoes to match her outfit. No matter how many words I used, she could not be convinced that white sandals with a large flower on the toe, might not be the scariest or warmest choice to complete her costume. 

As all three girls argued over who got to carry which candy bag, I fantasized about ways I could scare them straight. I wished I still had a prom dress from high school that I could wear in the carpool line to pick them up, or maybe I could just go pants-less, they would be horrified and no one else would have to be the wiser. 

What could I do to make my children feel the same sense of dread that I feel when facing Halloween? To make them understand the horror I had to face to get them in the bed after eight hours and 8000 grams of sugar— each. 

I daydreamed about showing up at their school to eat lunch with them and grabbing food out of their friends lunch boxes. I’d grab a fork and just stab anything within arms reach. 

“You gonna eat that?” I’d ask their friends as my kids stared open mouthed in horror. 

The girls continued to scuffle, they started to simmer down as we made our way out of the house and into the car. 

“Buckle your seat belts,” I admonished, still silently scheming— I could break out into spontaneous dance in the grocery store, or put their birth videos into their backpacks for Show & Tell— if that didn’t terrify everyone who saw it then I didn’t know what would. 

The commotion in the backseat got louder. 

“Buckle your seat belts or you are going to be sorry,” I said, smiling to myself as I cranked the car. If all else fails, the price tag on their therapy bills should be enough to scare anybody. 

I will give you ten million guesses what she was embarrassed about…

The idea of my sending her birth video to school?

Nope.

The thought of me eating off of her friend’s lunch trays?

Not even.

The suggestion that I drive her to school in my underpants?

Negative.

“MOOOOOM!” She screamed, “WHY DID YOU TELL EVERYBODY ME AND EMMA WERE THE SAME THING??!!!”

The horror. 

Aubrey Said: I Know. I’m Blossoming.

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After baths tonight, Aubrey, my seven-year-old, thought it would be a good idea to shake her head back and forth a la wet dog. She got down on all fours… in her skivvies to increase the effect.

Her three-year-old sister found this hysterically funny and while Sadie laughed Aubrey stopped to giggle with her. She stayed frozen for a moment then said to Sadie, “Hey! Push my on button!”

I have no idea what previously conceived notions Sadie had about an “On Button,” but without skipping a beat, she reached up, put her hand on Aubrey’s backside and, rather rudely, accosted her. Aubrey and I cackled with laughter.

Me: WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?!

SADIE: I jest gived hur a good game!

For the love.

Later when I was tucking Aubrey into bed, I whispered, “I can’t believe you are going to be in second grade next year.”

Aubrey said, totally serious, ” I know. I’m blossoming.”

My people are random. RANDOM, I tell you. What’s the most random thing that’s been said at your house lately?

Update: I gave Emma (5yo) my iPhone to listen to a lullaby playlist while she went to sleep. I just went to check on her and saw the glow of the iphone illuminating her face as she studied the screen.

Me: Honey, you can’t play with it just listen–

Emma: I didn’t bite it.

Me: Huh?

Emma: I didn’t bite it. I didn’t bite your phone.

Me: Um. Okay?

I laughed because obviously, she just bit my phone. Which raises two important points:

1) I’m not sure she’s mine because I am and have always been, an excellent liar.

2) This is why I have an iPhone case that was practically made by Rubbermaid.

Obviously I snickered.

Emma laughed too, then said, “I’m just thinking about boys underwear. That’s why I’m laughing.”

What the HAIL, ya’ll?

Bedtime Excuse #5,687: I Need to Ask Daddy Something

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Bedtime was pretty easy around here tonight. Could be the fact that my kids have been outside playing in the sunshine and perfect 70 degree weather for two days straight and they were flat exhausted at bedtime.


In fact, Emma came in the house a little after 7pm and said, “My tummy hurt just a wittle. I think I’m going to lay down on my bed for a minute.” She hasn’t moved since then.

Aubrey (7) bathed Sadie (3) and while my husband was putting Sadie to bed, I let Aubrey help me bake some cookies. Don’t get all excited and impressed. They were break and bake. Really cute Easter break and bakes, but still. Easy.

I let her stay up a little later than her sisters and we talked for a few minutes before I sent her off to bed with a glass of ice water. She came back in the room seconds later.

Me: What?

Aubrey: I need Daddy.

Me: He’s putting Sadie to sleep, you can’t go in there. What do you need? I can help you…

Aubrey: I need to know why glasses sweat. And remember when I asked you what ant beds were made out of and what tears are made of and you said you didn’t know and we could ask Daddy…

Me: *coughs* ZEB, honey! Aubrey needs you!

I’m really glad he knows so much about science. And math. And history. Because basically if it doesn’t involve cooking, writing, reading, or reality TV, I’m going to be useless to my children when it comes to school.

What questions do you defer to your spouse? 

Before There Were Balls (Teehee)

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Aubrey, my first grader, sat at the kitchen table doing her homework.

“Momma,” she asked “what is Kick the Can?”

Me: A game.

Aubrey: Have you played it before?

Me: I don’t think so.

Aubrey: What is it?

Me: It’s a game they played before there were balls. You can call Shuggie and ask her about it.

 

My mother is going to kill me.

100 Days of School aka IN YOUR FACE PARENTS

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Is it me or is this whole “100 Days of School” thing teachers way of saying, “IN YOUR FACE PARENTS! We are almost done and then these brats are YOUR problem for three months! Mwhahahaha!”

Maybe not. I’m just saying I don’t remember celebrating 100 days of school when I was a kid.

A few weeks ago Aubrey (seven-years-old) got in the car after school and asked, “Mom, do you still know how to make those fancy layered cakes?” (Fancy= from the box, FYI.)

Me: Yes.

Aubrey: WELLL, I told my teacher that you make the BEST layer cakes in the world and you probably wanted to make one for the 100th day of school…

Now I won’t say I was just sitting at home thinking, “Gee WHIZ I sure would like to bake a cake!” But I was touched Aubrey thought something I did was awesome and she wanted to show off my mad Betty Crocker skillz to her friends.

So last night, me and my Boos stirred and mixed and poured and baked…

and licked…

And we made a four layer Devil’s Food Cake decorated with 100 mini-Oreos.  We even crushed some Oreos up and sprinkled them in between the layers. Yes we did.

I realized half-way through the icing process that I barely had enough for the cake and it wasn’t pretty but Aubrey was thrilled, “Momma, I can’t wait to show this to my friends. You are the best baker ever! You could probably quit writing books and just teach people to make cakes. Don’t you think that people would pay you to make cakes like this for them? You could make wedding cakes… and castle cakes, and Barbie cakes and Mermaid Barbie cakes…”

Please know I have never made any of those things. I wouldn’t even know where to start and the icing on THIS cake was pretty dadgum ugly.

Me: How do you make a Mermaid Barbie Cake?
Aubrey: You just take a Barbie and wrap a Fruit Roll-Up around her legs…

Well… somebody’s an evil genius.

This is what we ended up with…

100 Mini Oreos and NOT coincidentally 100 Weight Watchers points per slice.

Not that I do that– too much math. 

I’d almost be willing to commit gluten-icide for a slice. Almost.

What do you think about the 100th Day of School? Teachers: BE HONEST, a little bit of you is doing your Happy-IN-YOUR-FACE-Parents! Dance, aren’t you??

 

 

I’m Still Kicking Boos!

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So HEL-LO. It’s sort of been awhile since I really blogged. And I’m mostly sorry but not really because I’ve gotten to SEE so many of you in the last month at book signings and such and it has been wonderful. So I’m sorry I haven’t blogged but if I got to see your sweet little face then I am NOT sorry that I was talking to you and not on the computer.

December: A Total Blur.

I had about six book signings in three different cities in two different states. I was on the radio for the first time, did my first television interview without dying (Hooray!), had a birthday party for Sadie who turned three-years-old. (Sigh.)

I turned another year older, bringing me to a grand total of thirty-four glorious years… and oh, yeah, had Christmas at home with my hubby and kids. Which was amazing. It rained the entire time and we all wore our pajamas for days on end. We ate. We slept. We gave each other gifts. Seriously, it was perfect.

I’ve been on the road a bit more since then. And I’ve got to say… I love it. It’s hard and stressful in ways that I hadn’t anticipated but it’s my dream job. This is the job I daydreamed about when I was a kid but was too embarrassed to admit to anyone.. so the stuff I don’t like? I’m just going to suck it up and deal with it.

Currently Zeb’s little brother, Zack is chillin’ at the crib with us and my kids are freaking loving it. This morning I walked into the kitchen for coffee and found Zeb, Zack and all three girls like this:

7:00am game of Headbandz & a guitar lesson

When you are a kid the definition of awesome is your cool aunt or uncle who doesn’t have kids yet and can give you all of their attention. Hence: Zack.

He played the guitar and sang while I cleaned the kitchen tonight and my kids climbed all over him. He’s taught them how to play a few things on the guitar Emma got for Christmas and is currently in the garage teaching them how to play the drums. (You’re welcome, Neighbors. I’ll send you my in-laws’ phone number so you can call them personally and thank them for their very thoughtful Christmas gift.)

I walked in the kitchen a few minutes ago and found Emma on Zack’s shoulders and he was confused.

Zack: I don’t even know how she got up there. I didn’t help her at all.

Me: I believe you. I’ve met her.

Aubrey was trying to play the guitar and she glanced up to say, “My finger is in that H place.”

I’m no musician but I can kinda read music from the years of piano lessons my mother forced upon me and I know there’s no “H” in music.

Me: “H” place? Huh?

Aubrey: You know… not up above but down beloooooooooow.

Me: Oooooh! THAT “H” place.

So we are still up to the same shenanigans. My kids continue to make me laugh and cry on a somewhat daily basis and I’m working as hard and as fast as I can to write it all down.

I’ve been working on the second book which has been mostly a hot mess for the last year as I’ve been writing. But now the book is beginning to take shape and I’m in the process of revising, rewriting and editing so I can send it back to my agent. (Do not ask me how long this will take or when you can buy it– because the answers are “Forever” and “Never if I don’t finish writing the damn thing.”)

So that’s what I’ve been up to for the last month. Traveling, working, writing… laughing at my kids.

What have you been up to?