Me: Girls have you brushed your teeth?
Aubrey: We did Momma.
Me: Well, put your pajamas on.
Aubrey: I want to sleep in a big giant shirt.
Me: OK.
Aubrey: Can I have one of yours?

Ouch.

Do you remember when you were a kid and you first learned how to cuss? I do. I was smitten. I looked for any opportunity to say my new found words without getting smacked.

Aubrey has picked up a few choice words here and there and as far as I know she has always asked me what they mean before using them.

She got into the car today and much like the Recess Panic Incident of 2010, she began talking about 100mph.

A: MOMMA! There are so many bad words that I can’t say at school.
Me: There are? You didn’t say them did you?
A: No…but like you should never say, STUPID or IDIOT or DEVIL or HELL at school. Should you Momma?
Me: Ah…no.
A: Because they are bad. Even if you whisper them in ears…
Me: Did you SAY that to somebody?
A: Ah…no. But STUPID, IDIOT, DEVIL and HELL they are really, really bad.

Um, yeah. Good talk.

What do your kids say when they get in the car after school that totally bewilders you?

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Yesterday I picked Aubrey (5) up from school and she started talking before the car door even shut behind her.
A: MOMMA! We had a PANIC at recess today!
Me: You did? What happened?
A: We saw a mommy bee poop out a baby bee!
Me: Huh?
A: WE SAW A MOMMY BEE POOP OUT A BABY BEE!
Me: No you didn’t.
A: Ok, I didn’t.
Me: Really?
A: No, I was kidding you. We really did. I guess bees just really like to do it in the Spring?

I gulped back some bile, turned up the movie that was playing in the backseat for my 3-year-old and her best friend, and asked, “Do WHAT, Aubrey?”

A: Poop their babies out! Gah!

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This afternoon Aubrey and Emma were playing outside with the little girl next door. I was sitting on a blanket in the sunshine just listening to them pretend, which when these three are together means Aubrey is The Momma, Anne G. is The Daddy and Emma is The Baby, and they all speak about 3 octaves higher than they normally do.

They were just playing away when Anne G said, “Hey! Let’s pick some flowers for your Mommy! She will love it!”

To which Aubrey responded in her best falsetto, “Oh yesth! And then she will care for us!”

Good thing they brought me those “flowers.”

Tonight as I was tucking Aubrey into bed she asked me to read her a story. I grabbed a short little board book from her shelf called, “What is Easter?” It is a precious book that talks about Jesus’ death and resurrection in a poem format, very suitable for young children. I was beginning to get all warm and fuzzy when Aubrey cheered, “Hooray!” with the followers celebrating at Jesus’ tomb. I read the last sentence of the book, and turned to look lovingly into Aubrey’s eyes. But I couldn’t.

Because she had her index finger TWO KNUCKLES deep in her right nostril.

“AUBREY!” I exclaimed.

“Gah! I’m not gonna eat it, Momma! Duh!”

Sweet Lord in Heaven, help me.

Amen.

I’ve been in my pajamas for a week. I’ve had a horrible sinus infection, the kids have passed around a cold and it’s just been “one of those days” for several days in a row. Earlier this week, I took Aubrey to school and was forced to go grocery shopping because we had no milk, cereal, bread, peanut butter, sandwich meat OR formula. I was checking out when I realized I wasn’t wearing a bra.

I realized if I was sick enough to go to Wal-Mart without a bra, it was time to seek medical intervention. (For the sinus infection, not the bralessness.)

My wonderfully sweet, new BFF Kathryn (Heeeey, Girl!) , volunteered to keep Sadie and looked up phone numbers for me so I could get in to see a doctor as soon as possible. I went to the doctor (after going home to put on a bra, thankyouverymuch. Didn’t want him getting to first base at our very first meeting!) and scored some antibiotics.

All of that to say this: today was the first day in SEVERAL days that I fixed my hair and put on makeup. I was feeling pretty cute in jeans, a brown t-shirt and my white down vest with faux fur trimming the hood.

I walked into the kitchen to gather up supplies for running errands and Aubrey said, “OH, MOMMA! You look so cute!” I smiled as she reached up to touch the fur on my hood. “That is SO adorable! It looks just like a raccoon!”

Um…thanks?

This weekend while I was out of town The Hubs rented some old school family movies, Pollyanna and The Apple Dumpling Gang, to watch with the big girls. Thirty minutes into The Apple Dumpling Gang and one of Don Knotts’ scenes Aubrey looked at her Daddy with raised eyebrows and said, “Uh…he’s a little off.”

Zeb laughed hysterically and Aubrey asked, “Do you know what that means?”