Robin's Chicks

Nudge The Nest & Pray They Fly

What NOT to Do at a Book Signing

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Please note my friend Jim,  front row, who is wiping TEARS out of his eyes. God, it was bad.

I went to my hometown of Jasper, Alabama last week to sign my book, “Ketchup is a Vegetable and Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves.” (Which, by the by, is currently top-rated #1 in Parenting/Humor on Amazon AND free to read for Amazon Prime Members. *flashes charming smile* DING! As you were…)

Normally when we go home it’s for a quick trip to see my in-laws. We see other folks in passing but there never seems to be enough time to sit and visit with everyone we would like to see. But last week I did just that. For two days I sat and talked to all of my hometown favorites: my friends’ parents who helped to raise me, school teachers, church friends, and column readers who I had never met. I had a blast.

I was especially excited for my Friday night signing where I was going to be reading from the book. When you write for a publication of any kind, you submit your columns and hope for the best. You wonder if people enjoy them or hate them, if they laugh or cry… but often you never know either way. Reading your work to readers is amazing because you get to see, hear and experience the reader reacting to your story.

I spent the afternoon between signings in my dad’s office working on some last minute details. Three of my best friends were with me, and I realized I hadn’t decided what to read that evening. I wanted to choose carefully because while most of the material is PG-13, I didn’t want to scandalize any children who might be attending with their parents. My friends and I flipped through the book considering essays, “Awkward Naked Moments” is one of my favorites but not something I’d read to my own kids so we kept looking.

“What about ‘Road Trips’?” My sister suggested.

“I think it may be a little too long.” We kept turning pages.

“ ‘In Sickness and In Health’ might be a good one,” I suggested.

My girls all quickly agreed. The story features all of my family members and some classic male/female comedy. It was decided. We had thought this through and made a calculated and (somewhat) educated decision.

We hustled over to the restaurant and I signed books and visited for a bit before I began reading. By the third paragraph my chest was red and splotchy. My face was roughly the same temperature as the surface of the sun and my ears felt like they were going to spontaneously combust on the side of my head.

I had chosen, out of 32 essays, to read roughly 3000 words dedicated to nausea, vomiting and diarrhea… while people were eating dinner. I wanted to die. I paused to apologize, “Y’all. I’m really sorry about this. I obviously didn’t think this out. I know y’all are eating and I’m talking about vomit and if you came here to eat and not to see me, then… I’m really, REALLY sorry.”

I couldn’t go back, so I just went ahead and read with gusto. I said “Puke, diarrhea, breastfeeding, and vomit” repeatedly, and died a little on the inside every time. When I finally, blissfully reached the end of the essay I apologized again, “I’m really sorry if I ruined your dinner, but honest to God that was the mildest chapter I could think of to read.”

Hopefully, I was the only one there who actually felt like throwing up. If awkwardness could be measured in nickels and dimes, I’d be a wealthy woman by now.

And a HinkleDoodle in a Pear Tree…

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I love to support other writers and artists so here is a list of books (and stuff) I have loved this year!

Anna Lefler… I’ve followed Anna’s blog for a couple of years now and she is HILARIOUS. Her book, The Chicktionary is laugh out loud funny. Also, sometimes she has pageant hair on television appearances so she gets bonus points.

Robin Plemmons… if you want to laugh until you are wheezing into a brown paper bag? Go look at Robin’s etsy store. Girlfriend is CrayCray in the very best way.

Anne Riley… loved her book The Clearing. It’s a great YA read for those of you who like paranormal. It’s well written, well edited and THOROUGHLY entertaining. Anne’s blog is also highly entertaining and great for writers.

Rachel Hawkins... My love for The Lady Hawkins is limitless. Her series, Hex Hall, is another great YA read. Lots of plot twists and JUST enough romance to make your teen feel like they are reading something REALLY good without feeling like you are letting them read smut. The dialogue is hilarious and there is a ton of humor sprinkled in the story. I love her. (Also, she used a picture of Jessie Spano in her presentation at the Auburn Writers Conference and I almost fell out of my chair.) Rachel is also totally responsible for making me fall in love with the Game of Thrones series. My eyeballs almost fell out from reading all those words and I was not even sorry.

Joshilyn Jackson… I made a public spectacle of myself ALL OVER HER at my first writer’s conference. Then I came home and read all four of her books in less than two months and felt like even more of an idiot. Her books are amazing and funny, and twisty and turny. I can not WAIT for her next book. And next time I see her I’m going to try not to wipe my snot on her.

And a  HinkleDoodle in a pear tree… I found the cutest Facebook page one day while I was “working.” I fell in love with these handmade, plush toys and ornaments. I emailed the creator of the site and told her how much I loved her stuff, and do you know what she did? She sent me THIS.

Jessica sent me Maribel for my tree, and it’s one of my very favorite things. My little HinkleDoodle is SO detailed. From the button eyes to the sweet little felt feet! Jessica is going to send Elsie to one of you!

To be entered to win, just go like HinkleDoodles on FB and leave a comment and tell me you did it! Support local artists as much as you can this year! Buy local where you can! And just because y’all are so awesome? I’m going to give away a signed copy of “Ketchup” too. Both winners will be randomly selected from the comments. Contest ends on December 13th 2011. Winner announced Dec 14th.

Winner of the book is Rachel and Hinkledoodle is Erin! YAY free stuff and holiday cheer!!

 

Procrasto-packer

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It’s hard to pack a family of five for the holidays, especially if you live in the South where traveling even further south less than two hundred miles can mean a fluctuation in temperatures akin to perimenopausal hot flashes. Not that I know— yet. I’m just saying.

I was wearing fall clothes when I left my house in Greenwood, Mississippi and within three hours I had to change clothes before I blacked out in the passenger seat of my mother’s car. Which may have been preferable to the chorus of “She’s Looking At Mes” and “Are We There Yets” coming from the back seat.

I’m a procrasto-packer. I made that word up. Just now. Totally on the fly. Because I’m a writer, and I can. I procrastinate packing until the very last second. Part of this has to do with the fact that my laundry is never “caught up,” whatever that means. The later I wait to pack, the more clean clothes I have to choose from. The other reason is mostly that I hate packing. I am disorganized in the best of circumstances and living in the South doesn’t help. November means the heater runs all night long and the air conditioning comes on at noon. No matter how much I try to plan ahead and check the weather before I pack my family up this time of year, I always get it wrong. I should just embrace this fact and start packing one change of clothes, clean underwear and a toothbrush for every member of my family. But that would be too easy.

I am a firm believer that if I pack every prescription medicine my children have been given in the last two years that I can ward off sickness. If I don’t take it, we will need it and I don’t want to buy things that I already own. So I bring it all. Ridiculous? Excessive? Maybe. Am I willing to be proven wrong? Absolutely not.

Because if you are going to travel six hours in one direction with three kids sitting within arms’ reach of each other? You’re going to want to be as proactive as possible. This particular trip I was even less organized than usual due to the frazzled state of my two brain cells. One of them has been busy re-reading and editing the final manuscript for my first book. That brain cell was a little overwhelmed since I’ve read those particular words no less than 487 times in the last three years. My other brain cell was busy freaking out that the publishing industry is not at my beck and call and that (spoiler alert) I cannot control everything that happens in my life.

Which boils down to the fact that we made it to my sister’s house with a huge bag of prescription meds, 30 pairs of underwear, full winter wardrobes which no one could actually wear, bathing suits and toothbrushes. But the truth of the matter is, my family loves me so much that they couldn’t care less if I wear my pajamas to Thanksgiving dinner… as long as I’m wearing clean underwear, my teeth are brushed and I’m medicated. And I’ve totally got those bases covered.

 

Ketchup is a Vegetable Hits a Bestseller List! WHOOT!

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Y’all. I just don’t know that I can do this moment justice. Dammit. I am already crying. My book is here and even though I’ve been working towards this day for almost three years, it doesn’t still seem real.


I had my first signing last night at the best indie bookstore on the planet, TurnRow Books. My peeps filled that joint up and for an hour and a half I signed book after book after book. And every single time, I was in awe. I was amazed that they cared enough to come, to spend their hard earned dollars on my words. I can’t even wrap my mind around it.

Last night was more than I ever thought it could be AND I didn’t fall down, cry, spell my name wrong OR cuss in front of the children. (I did have to lightly sensor myself to prevent that last one.) But to get to read my words… to HEAR laughter instead of just hoping for it when my columns are read and blog posts are read… well, it was sort of addictive. I’m ready to do it again.

Me and my friend Kathryn. I mostly just wanted y’all to see how amazing my hair looked.

THEN today, one of my most favorite writers EVER in the history of the world, Laurie Notaro, gave me a little Idiot Girl Shout Out on her Facebook page. My fellow IGs went bananas and started buying up Kindle copies of the book and pushed my book all the way up to #8 on the Kindle Best-Seller List for Parenting/Humor. And Ketchup was #22 on the Humor/Essay category right there with Chelsea Handler, David Sedaris and Mindy Kaling. I still can’t believe it.

I don’t even know what to say other than thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. From the bottom of my heart– thank you. If you want to check for signings click on the Events tab, I’ll be updating regularly. To order copies, click on the picture in the sidebar or go to TurnRow to order signed copies. You can even get them personalized. I’m going up there to sign books every few days so that they can get them shipped out to you in time for Christmas!

OH! And also, I made TurnRow’s November Bestseller list. I took a picture of it in their bathroom.

BOOM! 

AND I ALMOST FORGOT! MY FRIEND PAULINE IS GIVING AWAY A SIGNED COPY! GO FORTH AND READ HER INTERVIEW AND TRY TO WIN!! 

That Booger Tastes JUST Right

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Last week my mother (Shuggie to her grandbabies) was tucking my three-year-old into the bed. As they settled in the sheets, Sadie asked, “Want me to tewl yew da stowy of da beahs or da pigs?”

“Tell me about the bears!” Shuggie said.

Sadie began telling her version of The Three Bears. I’m sure there were lots of gasps and raised eyebrows as Sadie spun her tale. Then she got to the good part, “And den she ate dat baby beahs powidge and it was so good it was jest wight…”

Sadie pinched her thumb and forefinger together as if she was holding a spoon and gestured towards Shuggie’s mouth with it. Shuggie leaned forward and smacked her lips together, “Mmmm-MM! That is some GOOD porridge, Sadie!”

Sadie looked at my mother as if she lost her mind. “Dat’s not powidge Shuggie. Dat’s a boogah.”

This is the point in my mother’s story where I had to leap up and run to the bathroom to keep from peeing on myself. When I came back I said, “Did you actually EAT one of Sadie’s boogers?”

She raised her eyebrows, “No I was just pretending but I won’t even do that again!”

What warm and fuzzy memories did y’all make over Thanksgiving?

photo credit