Robin's Chicks

Nudge The Nest & Pray They Fly

Oh No You Di’int…

by

WARNING! THIS POST IS NOT FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED. IF YOU ARE NOT AN ADULT OR HAVE PROBLEMS WITH HUMAN ANATOMY…KEEP ON MOVIN’!

Today I went to eat lunch with The Hubs, which is a big deal because I haven’t really left the house in about a week, since I’ve been recovering from skurgery.

The topic of vasectomies came up at lunch and hubs related a few tales of friends who had gone under the knife and seen their entire lives flash before their eyes as they lay on the exam table. Then my dearly beloved actually said, out of his sweet little mouth, “Did you know you have to ice your *biznass* (word changed for those you with more delicate palettes) for SIX HOURS after surgery? CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE?”

I actually choked on my indignation. I said, maybe a little too loudly, judging by the stares I received from neighboring tables,” Can I imagine?? Are you serious? I pushed THREE BABIES OUT OF MY VAGINA!! CAN I IMAGINE??? Did you really just say that to me? AND after I pushed those babies out, they handed them to me and said, ‘Here STICK YOUR NIPPLE IN HER MOUTH UNTIL YOU CAN NO LONGER STAND THE PAIN!’ Can I imagine??? Uh, YEAH! I think I have a little bit of an idea of what that might feel like. FOR. THE. LOVE. You people don’t deserve anesthesia.”

Why I just disinfected my foot…

by

Because Sadie, my 17-month-old, just crapped all over it.

Here’s what had happened:

Sadie had been straining and stinking for a few minutes and realized I had the perfect potty training opportunity. She needed to go, I am still recovering from surgery and have no where to go- we had all the time in the world for her to sit on the potty and for me to sit in the floor beside her to encourage her.

I put her on the potty.
Me: Go poo-poo, you big girl.
Sadie: Uugggh. (crinkles up her face to look like she’s REALLY trying.)
Me: Good girl! If you go poo-poo in the potty you can have a pop-pop! (What she calls all popsicles or candy of anykind.)
Sadie:(claps her hands and almost dips her butt in the toilet water) Yaaaaaaay! I poo-poo!
(She’s got her game face on now that she realizes there is candy on the line.)
Me: That’s right, you poo-poo! You can do it.
Sadie: (farts) All done. Yaaayyy!
Me: (clapping) Good job!
I let her down off of the potty and showed her there was nothing in it. I realized we were THIS CLOSE to pooping in the potty and I thought if I let her stand up for a few minutes and put her back on the potty, we would have success. She would get her pop-pop and want to poop on the potty for the rest of her days.

Me: Come on, let’s try some more. You ready?

I pushed myself off of the floor to get her when she bolted. She was out of the bathroom and in the hallway in a flash and I knew, this was it, the moment of truth. I grabbed her and pivoted back towards the bathroom, pushing through the shooting abdominal pains that lifting her chunky body caused. If we could just make it back to the toilet. I took one step towards the bathroom- plop.

I was frozen in time. Suspended in the moment. I had toddler crap under my right foot and inexplicably between my toes. I yelled for my mother, who came leisurely, to see what I needed before doubling over in laughter at me standing in the hallway with my feet more than shoulder width apart, whilst dangling a bottomless baby from my arms.

Shuggie: Oh!! What are ya’ll doing?? Heee-hee-heee!
Me: Could you get her? I’m not supposed to be lifting her.
Shuggie: Hee-hee-hee! What happened?
Me: Seriously, Mom. Get her and get me some wipes. I have crap between my toes.

My mother grabbed Sadie and walked into her bedroom to wipe her bottom and put her back in her diaper.

Me: (still standing in egg-zactly the same spot) Um. Mom? Can I get some baby wipes or something?

I overheard my mother tell Sadie, as she walked out into the hall with baby wipes, “Your momma gets herself into more fixes…”

Yeah, well….and don’t you think for one second if I had made it to the potty in time, this post wouldn’t have read “SADIE PLUM POO-POOS IN THE POTTY!” ‘Cuz it would have. Instead, I disinfected my foot and put everyone down for naps, including my mother and my oldest daughter, who are both still laughing at me.

Winner of Blog Giveaway: Susan Arnold

by

The winner of the Handful Bra Giveaway is Susan Arnold! Here is her winning entry!

Anonymous Susan Arnold said…

When reading, think ‘Jump’ by Van Halen- with my own interpretation.
I get up, and nothing gets me down. (not in my Handful!they are always UP)
i like to jump. and then go round and round (speaks for itself)
And I know, just how it feels.(you’ll forget you’re wearing it)
You’ve got to roll with the punches to get to what’s real
Oh can’t you see me standing here,
I’m getting ready for a soccer scene I ain’t the worst that you’ve seen. (I will look GREAT in this bra next to the other women who didn’t they could be comfy and look good)
Oh can’t you see what I mean ? (actually, you won’t SEE anything but great curves)
Might as well jump. Jump ! (go ahead – the bra will do the rest)
Thanks,
Susan Arnold

Susan the folks at Handful would LOVE to see a youtube video! Send your email address to me at robinschicks@gmail.com and I will get you hooked up with them! Congrats and thanks to all who participated!

Momma Said: Who’s in charge here?

by

I’ve been sleeping a lot as I recover from surgery, and somewhere in the fogginess of the last week, I woke up and realized that I am now the proud owner of not one but TWO pets.

Our next door neighbors moved and their cat refused to go with them. Their boy cat, named Jevin, who Aubrey refuses to call anything but Samantha, is now our trans-gender cat.

What’s the perfect pet for a family with an obstinate gender-confused cat? A baby bird. My mother, Shuggie, has spent hours trying to find a place to hide the baby bird that Jevin/Samantha cannot reach.

Currently the nameless bird is on a ledge in the carport in an intricately designed lean-to made from shoebox lids, to protect it from the gender bending cat.

When I went to sleep we were petless. And I liked it that way.

Who’s in charge here?