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Aubrey Said: Dinner

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Tonight I asked my five-year-old what she wanted for dinner. Of course her knee-jerk reaction was, “chicken nuggets.”

After being informed that over processed chicken was off the table, (for tonight, anyway) Aubrey said, “Um how about like, 10 green beans, and those smushy potatoes and salmon…”

Me: You want green beans, twice baked potatoes and salmon?

Aubrey: Yeah. Is that OK?

I made her dinner (I make my potatoes 5lbs at a time, so everything was in the freezer and on the table in 30 minutes.) As she was eating she asked, “Momma, what is salmon?”

Me: Fish.
A: What does it look like?
Me: I’m not sure. We can look it up on the computer after we eat.
A: Good idea. Just type in SALMON.COM.

Momma Said: Oh I Know You Di’int

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Just another example of how I entertain and amuse myself on a daily basis…

As you may have deduced, Sister Wife and I spend a lot of time together. Not only are we BFFs 4-EvaH, but our husbands, Zeb and Heston, (heretofore referred to as Zebston, and no, it is NOT okay for you to refer to Lizzie and me and Lizbin) work together.

Zebston are at work together from 8 to 5 everyday, and for the most part, if one of them is out of town on business, they are both out of town. Which is really great for Sister Wife and me. We carpool, feed our kids dinner together and have what we like to call “prison showers.” We turn on the shower and each child gets 5 minutes to themselves before they are jerked out of the tub and put in their pajamas.

But occasionally, eating leftover spaghetti with a 7-year-old, a 5-year-old,a 4-year-old, a 3-year-old and two 18-month-olds gets…well, old.

Tonight, Zebston had a business dinner with The Boss Man (a.k.a. Sister Wife’s father-in-law, do you need a chart yet?)…antywho, the wives were officially uninvited. Again.

So The Boss Man’s Wife (aka Sister Wife’s mother-in-law, which would make her MY mother-wife-in-law) led a rebellion, and invited Wifey and I to dinner. At the same restaurant all of our husbands were having their meeting.

We lined up babysitters, got dressed to the nines and made up our minds to completely ignore our husbands.

I was nervous about going into the restaurant alone because I didn’t want to look like I wanted to eat dinner with “The Boys” because I most certainly DID NOT.

Luckily for The Girls, our timing (as well as our outfits AND our makeup) was flawless and we beat them to the restaurant. We were all casually sipping on a glass of wine and perusing the menu at our small table for three when they all wandered in looking confused.

According to my husband’s co-worker, his exact words were, “What the hell?”

My. Thoughts. Egg-zactly.

And in a move that transformed my mother-wife-in-law to Hero status, she had our waitress send the guys our check before we were even offered dessert. That’s what you call “making them pay.”

Super (Silly) Mom: Celia Rivenbark

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Oh. My. Lanta. To say I’m excited about this week’s Super (Silly) Mom interview would be like saying that Heidi Montag has had a little work done. I am beside myself with excitement. Celia Rivenbark is one of my favorite writers of all time. You heard me. EVER.

Celia got her start working in a small town newspaper at 19 and has been bringing the funny ever since. She has written a syndicated humor column for years and has written five books. (Belle Weather: Mostly Sunny with a Chance of Scattered Hissy Fits; Bless Your Heart, Tramp; We’re Just Like You, Only Prettier; Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank; and You Can’t Drink All Day If You Don’t Start in the Mornin’)I have read every single one of her books at least twice, and could quote passages from memory. But I won’t, because that would be obnoxious and really, you should just buy all of her books and try not to laugh yourself into an umbilical hernia.

Celia and I also have the same amazing agent, Jenny Bent, whom Celia says, “is like a ninja.” I’m super glad, because I know nothing about literary throwing stars and publishing nunchucks. I’m just glad to be Daniel Son in this whole Mr. Miyagi/Karate Kid analogy we’ve got going.

If you haven’t met her yet, I’m pleased to introduce you to Celia Rivenbark.

If you WERE going to start drinking in the morning so you could drink all day, what would you drink?

I’d drink Firefly Sweet Tea-Flavored Vodka with just a splash of Simply Lemonade in it. You’d be passed out long before noon but it would be in such a delicate, Southern way.

If you had to trade places with a celebrity mom who would it be and why?

Well, it sure as hell wouldn’t be Elin Woods. Bless her heart. I like to say that she has managed to accomplish the impossible: make me feel sorry for a billionaire Swedish bikini model. So who would I trade places with? Catherine Zeta-Jones. She’s the most gorgeous woman on earth and she seems to be immune to silly tabloid stuff. And Michael Douglas, though he has his demons, seems to be getting the fatherhood thing right the second time around.

How old is your daughter? Has she read any of your books?

Sophie (“the princess”) will be 13 in six weeks. She’s scanned my books but she inevitably puts them down in favor of some stupid YA read or to re-read parts of the Twilight saga that she missed in the first 432 readings. She pats my hand and says, “Now, mommie, you know I’ll get around to yours very, very soon.” It’s like she’s talking to an insecure halfwit, which she is.

My oldest daughter is 5 and just starting to understand what I do. (She repeatedly tells her teachers and random strangers at Wal-Mart, “My Momma writes Facebooks!” as if that is a full time job.) Does your daughter ask you specifically not to write about certain situations or do you just use your best judgment?

Ever since the princess turned 10, I’ve been careful to give her veto power over anything I write about her. I respect her too much not to! The surprising thing is that she has yet to kill a humor column. I was sure she wouldn’t let me run the one about how she threw up during sex-ed class but she loved it. I had to pick her up at the school nurse’s office where she was on one cot and a little boy was in the other. My husband likes to refer to that boy as “my future son-in-law” which cracks me up.

How do you deal with the Anonymous A-Holes of the world who always have something negative to say?

The anonymous a-holes are irritating but only for a second or two. I’ve worked for newspapers since I was 19 years old so I’ve had plenty of hate mail over the years. I’m pretty tough.

What is the most important thing you want your daughter to learn from you?

Kindness

Tell us about your current projects.

I’ve just finished the sixth book, “For A Fat Girl You Don’t Sweat Much,” which will be published by St. Martin’s Press in summer 2011. I’ve got another book under contract with them which will come out the following year. I’ve temporarily suspended my weekly humor column to tend my ailing hubby. He’s just started six months of chemotherapy for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and it’s pretty grueling. At a time like this, it’s hard to “find the funny” but I’m sure I’ll be back before too long.

Bonus question:

If you could send Super Nanny Jo Frost to any celebrity home to spend a week, where would you send her and why?

I’d send Nanny Jo Frost to the Kardashians’ home. Every damn one of them is crazy as a sprayed roach.

You should really check out Celia’s website, even her Bio makes me laugh out loud. And if that’s just not enough for you, you can stalk follow her on Facebook and Twitter like I do!

Happy Mother’s Day!

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Mothers are the hardest working people in the world. There are no lunch breaks, no clocking out and the pay sucks. But we are the most important people in our children’s lives and no one can take our place.

My mother is amazing, (EXHIBIT A) I am beyond thankful for everything she’s done and continues to do for me and my children. Out of all the things I’ve learned from her there are two lessons that have carried me through every storm in my life.

1. Love is always the answer. I know it sounds cheesy and kumbaya-ish, but in every situation in your life, you choose to love the people around you (no matter what) YOUR life will be immeasurably better.
2. You might as well laugh. I can’t count, on all my fingers and toes, the number of times I have laughed with my mother until we cried, our bellies ached and one (or both) of us had to run to the restroom to keep from peeing our pants. My Momma’s not perfect and neither am I, but moments like those make up for all the little bumps in the road.

What did you learn from your mother that you hope to pass on to your children?