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Nudge The Nest & Pray They Fly

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Emma’s Antics: Peejamees

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I’m sleeping with the tooth fairy tonight.

Emma: Momma dese ah my weal peejamees, in weal life. I pwomise.

Me: Whatever, you just keep your taffeta on your side of the bed.

Momma Drama

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For the last month or two I’ve been laid up, sick, having surgery and then recovering. Today I had all of my kids by myself for the first time in a long time and about two hours into my day I thought to myself, “Wow. This is hard.”

We spent the entire day in our bathing suits with all intentions of going swimming. We sort of ran out time this morning, because I had my first radio interview and I didn’t want to be late. But I promised my kids that we would go after a nap.

Cut to the pool. Three little bathing suits-check. Three bags of necessary crap- check. One stroller-check. $6 worth of sunscreen applied-check. Cash from the ATM (a special trip to the bank thankyouverymuch) for snacks- CHECK.

Aubrey and Emma jumped into the pool, I took my shirt off to start applying SPF 300 because my skin is transparent from being in my house for the last two months, when guess what???

It thundered, the lifeguards blew their whistles and SHUT. THE. FREAKING. POOL.

My kids and I were thrilled. (Sarcasm font.) I let them have popsicles and they were somewhat consoled.

So my Cruise Director alter-ego slipped into overdrive and quickly developed a Plan B: macaroni and cheese and movie night at home.

We came home and I fed the kids, then got into the tub with Sadie. I bathed quickly and got out and made room for the two older girls. In the 60 seconds it took for me to get dressed and apply deodorant, Sadie took a big ole bite out of a bar of soap.

I scooped her out of the tub and helped her rinse her mouth, then took her to her room to get dressed. I got a diaper on her before she puked all over both of us. (Apparently Irish Spring doesn’t taste as good as it smells.)

I carried my previously clean baby (and self) back to the bathtub and kicked the big girls out. Aubrey (5) started gagging as soon as I walked in the door and she saw chunks of mac-n-cheese.

“DON’T YOU DARE THROW UP! Hold your breath and RUN, Aubrey!”

The two big girls grabbed towels and high-tailed it out of the bathroom holding their noses and squealing, as I sunk back into the tub with my chunky (that’s punny) baby for the second time.

Just another day on the job.

Emma Said: Hold Me…

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I was in Sadie’s room putting away laundry when Emma (4) came running in and asked, “Momma, will you hold me?”

Because my kids have been gone for a few days, I was rusty. So my first thought was, “Bless it! My baby missed me.” Instead of what it should have been which would be more like, “You’d better tell me what you did right this very second, Emma Jean O’Bryant.” (That’s not her middle name. It’s her alter ego.)

Like I said, though, I was rusty. So sweet, stupid Momma sat down to love on her baby.

Five minutes later I walked through the living room and saw an entire bottle of topical Benadryl which had been emptied all over my couch, ottoman and rug.

“EMMA JEAN!!”

“Momma, I’m sorry. I’ll go to time-out…do you porgive me?”

*Sigh*

I’ve missed that baby.

Columns

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The Moultrie News, Mt Pleasant, SC

The Greenwood Commonwealth, Greenwood, MS

The Corridor Messenger, Walker County, AL

St. Clair News-Aegis, Pell City, AL

The Daily Mountain Eagle, Jasper, AL

The Colombian-Progress, Columbia, MS

The Lee County Courier, Tupelo, MS

Oakridge Now, Austin, TX

Active Kids Magazine,  San Francisco Bay Area, CA

“Modern Motherhood,” appears monthly in Metro Christian Living, Jackson, MS

To Grandma’s House She Goes

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“GIRLS! LET’S GO!” I yelled.

The car was cranked and loaded down with all the gear my kids needed for a weekend visit at their grandparent’s farm. Baby Sadie was in the car and Aubrey (5) was standing at the door tapping her flip-flopped foot with her Tinkerbelle sunglasses pushed on top of her head. She rolled her eyes and yelled at her sister, “EMMA! COME ON!”

“You GUYS, just wait! I gotta get my puh-us.” (Her purse, which she literally filled with panties and socks, and still managed to shove her blanky in. Did she really think I would forget underwear? And why so many pairs???)
“AND, I need my boots for walking in da mud,” Emma said as she pulled on her pink John Deere boots. “AAAAANNNND, Momma?”

“Whaaaaaat?” I asked.

“Can I take my bi-tar?” My little Taylor Swift asked.

“Yes. Only if you promise not to play it in the car.”

“I pwomise.”

“And if I can take your picture…”

“Okay. CHEEEEEZE!”

“Wait! Let me get the camera. Aubrey, stand next to Emma, ” I said.

Aubrey ran out the door screaming, “NOOOOOOO!”

“Alrighty then. Okay Emma, NOW cheese!”

“CHEEEEZE!”

New Blog Contest: Real Moms…

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Inspired by The Queen herveryownself Jill Conner Browne, who has been having some quite heelarious blog contests, lately,(which I have YET to win) and one of my very bestest friends Amy, who posted as her Facebook status, “Real moms don’t shower,” I introduce to you: “Real moms…”

All YOU have to do is fill in the blank, it can be funny or sweet.

ex. Real moms can’t remember when they shaved their legs.

Real moms understand baby lotion commercials are a ploy to trick you into having kids so you’ll buy their stupid lotion.

Got it? Good.

Each comment will enter you for a chance to win a fabulous prize that I’m going to pick out from one of my favorite stores here in town called Mississippi Gift, they carry local pottery, yummy treats and all kinds of fun stuff. Who knows what you could end up with? Contest ends Friday, July 2nd!

Each comment is an entry so if you have more than one post them separately. Entertain me, ladies!!!