Archives for 2012

Ketchup is a Vegetable On Sale for $0.99

November 30, 2012 by Robin

This time last year I was just about to squeeze out my book baby and I was feeling the labor pains! To celebrate a great year of dominating the Amazon charts, and getting to live my dream I’ve been throwing Ketchup a birthday party on my Facebook Author page all week.

I’ll be giving away two signed copies of Ketchup is a Vegetable and Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves Monday (11/26) through Friday (11/30) as well as some great gifts donated by friends. Handmade jewelry, paintings and books by some hilarious writer friends!

There’s still some great stuff going on over there. But don’t forget to head to Amazon before midnight! Ketchup is on sale for $0.99 for 24 hours only!

Make sure you “like” my author page so you don’t miss anything!

Happy Child’s Day– Said No One Ever

November 28, 2012 by Robin

Yesterday on the way home from school my eight-year-old, Aubrey said from the backseat, “Momma, I made you an early birthday present at school today.”

My birthday isn’t for another month.
Me: Thanks baby! What is it?
She passed me a card she made that actually said, “To Momma, From Your Eldest.” I’m not kidding when I say I am raising Anne of Green Gables over here.

What other eight-year-old do you know that uses “killjoy” casually in conversation??

I glanced at the card before passing it back to her to read out loud to since I was driving and she had written her poem in yellow highlighter. Aubrey read and while I gushed about how much I loved it, my six-year-old, Emma started sucking up.

Emma: Momma when we get home I’m going to make you a really, REALLY awesome card. Just like I did for Mother’s Day, and kind of like the one I made for Daddy for Father’s Day but BETTER…

Emma got quiet for a second then said, “HEY! How come there is a Mother’s Day AND a Father’s Day but there’s no such thing as Child’s Day!?”

Insert maniacal laughter from the front seat.

Me: Because EVERY day is Child’s Day.

Don’t forget to hop over to my FB page, I’m giving away 2 copies of Ketchup is a Vegetable today through Friday (11/30) & have lots of other giveaways as well!

Happy Birthday to Ketchup! (Lots-O-Giveaways!)

November 26, 2012 by Robin

This time last year I was just about to squeeze out my book baby and I was feeling the labor pains! To celebrate a great year of dominating the Amazon charts, and getting to live my dream I’m throwing Ketchup a birthday party on my Facebook Author page!

Then on Friday, Ketchup’s actual birthday, I’m marking the price of the e-book down from $5.99 to $0.99 for 24 hours only!

Make sure you “like” my author page so you don’t miss anything!

Confucius Says: Would Your 8-year-old Like a Job?

November 23, 2012 by Robin

Sometimes I am certain my children are smarter than I am. On occasion, the words that come out of their mouths leave me wondering when we ate Chinese last and if they are stockpiling fortune cookie messages. Last Friday, I picked Aubrey, Emma and a friend up from school and as we made our way across town to get Sadie the conversation turned to boys.

“They are so annoying!” Their friend said.

“Boys are annoying at your age… and in middle school… and in high school. Really forever, I was going to stop at college or when you get married but actually? They’re always annoying.” I said. The girls exploded in giggles.

Aubrey piped up from the backseat, “Cats are just like girls.”

“How?” I asked.

“They never want to be touched. They just want to be left alone,” she said.

Her friend agreed, “Yeah and dogs are like boys… they ALWAYS want to be touched and they always bother you and won’t leave you alone.”

We howled with laughter as they gave me the run down of the day’s playground drama. Aubrey mentioned that someone at school had been trying to boss her little sister around on the playground, “She is PUSHING it with Emma. I’m not going to let her be mean to her.” I smiled, thankful that my girls have each other.

On Saturday Aubrey and I got to spend a little time alone getting ready for her small birthday party. (Her actual birthday was in August. I’ve outdone even myself by postponing her party for almost four months. We’ve been busy.) Aubrey ran errands with me and she brought up the playground incident again.

“You know,” she said thoughtfully, “bullies are like cooking marshmallows on the fire. They are all black and gross on the outside but on the inside they are gooey and sweet. They are just sad.”

“You are totally right, most of the time when somebody is being ugly to you it’s because they are sad about something. How’d you get so smart?”

She smiled, “You told me that last year, remember?”

“I remember talking about bullies but not marshmallows.”

“Oh, well… that was just an illustration,” Aubrey explained.

I smiled at the wisdom of my eight-year-old and wondered if she could get a part time job writing the fortunes for fortune cookies.

Confucius says, “Make S’mores out of your enemies.”

A Thanksgiving Memory That Will Never Fade

November 22, 2012 by Robin

As per my usual bloggy Thanksgiving tradition I am sharing the one story my grandmother would probably never want me to share… Enjoy the awkwardness and may your turkey induced coma be long and uninterrupted!

The smell of poultry seasoning transports me back to my Momma’s Alabama kitchen in November of 1998 faster than Michael J. Fox in a Delorean. Every Thanksgiving, as soon as I open the canister of spices — it’s as though I’m standing there, watching the scene unfold before me…

My mother slid the cornbread dressing into the oven as my younger sister and I chopped vegetables and stirred pots. The turkey was almost done and the smell of roasting meat filled the house with its rich scent. The sounds of football and male conversation drifted in from the den as my Grandaddy, brother, husband and uncle attempted to stay out of the way.

My petite and proper, Southern Baptist grandmother, Dot, was dressed in her Sunday finest and chatting with us as we prepared our Thanksgiving feast. Her white hair was permed and perfectly coifed. Her red size five pumps were the exact shade of her lipstick, her knock-off Chanel suit, red clip-on earrings.

I took a moment to pause, mentally, and appreciate the beauty of what we were sharing. Three generations of women, gathered around the stove and giving thanks for all the blessings we enjoyed. Cooking recipes that had been tweaked and handed down through my family for generations — what a gift!

I became teary as I realized that my grandparents were getting older and that one day, all too soon — this crystal clear moment would fade to a hazy memory.

The channel changed in the next room and now instead of hearing Sportscenter, we began overhearing news reporters discussing President Bill Clinton’s recently discovered indiscretion.

“Mmm, it’s just shameful,” Momma said as she stirred the gravy.

My sister and I nodded in agreement as my grandmother said in her very Southern drawl, “I just cain’t believe he had oral sex in the Oval Office. What is this world coming to?”

I made eye contact with my sister right before I almost lost consciousness from the shock. But I was now certain that this particular Thanksgiving would never fade into the recesses of my mind and for that, I was thankful.

PSA: Be sure to like my author page by clicking on the Facebook box in the top right hand corner of this page. To celebrate Ketchup’s first birthday, I’m going to be giving away 10 signed copies next week AND a signed copy of my friend Jen’s book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat!

Put Your Money Where Your Mouse Is– Thankful Challenge

November 16, 2012 by Robin

When I got back from Creative Alliance in Ojai, CA I wrote about how I was ready to do things differently. How I want to use this space of mine on the interwebz to let all of me hang out– not just the parts that I think will get a laugh. Lately, (read: the last year) I’ve found myself getting really annoyed with all the “talking about” that goes on on the internet.

You know, as in, let’s “talk about” the issues… of course by this we usually mean, “Let me post an angry ranty Facebook status against the things I don’t believe in and pray for someone to disagree with me so that I can POUND them with my knowledge and vehement disagreement.” I’ve been guilty of it and that doesn’t make me any less disgusted. Because what I’ve started asking myself is, ” Self– what are you DOING about it?”

If I see inequality, if I see a need, if a disagree with a policy or an injustice– am I simply posting my outrage on social media and walking away? Or am I taking action? More often than not, I found that I was all talk and I was not okay with that.

Because here’s the thing– my heart is so huge for the people of the world. Zebulicious and I traveled doing humanitarian work before we had kids and my soul aches to be “out there” again, playing with orphans and making re-bar out of bamboo, mixing concrete with a shovel and laughing with people who have nothing in common with me. But I am here– and right now, more than anything, I’m called to be a mother to my children.

I started asking myself what I could do in my own community to make a difference. I found outlets to volunteer but never talked about them online because I didn’t want to “humble brag” about myself.

I said that out loud at CA ’12 to two new friends, Tiffany and Danielle. Both of them disagreed. “You have to share. You have to talk about the causes that matter to you. This is how you change the world. This is how you get involved,” they told me.

You know the Facebook “Thankful Challenge” where you say one thing you are thankful for everyday? I haven’t done that this year. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but I’ve sort of come to the conclusion that if you are ON Facebook and can’t think of ONE thing to be grateful for everyday for a month then you are sort of an a-hole. Because you obviously have enough money to:

A) Have a phone or computer

B) Have an internet connection, which also means you…

C) Have electricity, which also makes me think that…

D) You probably have enough money to feed yourself.

And that’s more than most of the world’s population has by far. So I decided to do things differently this year. I took action and started a Charity Water Campaign I’m calling “Put Your Money Where Your Mouse Is”– my goal is to raise $1000 by New Year’s Eve.

I chose Charity Water because 100% of the funds donated go directly to providing clean water, my campaign will be in Ethiopia. They even send you pictures and GPS coordinates showing you exactly where your dollars are going.

If you are ready to take action and make a difference, I encourage you to donate. I want to be known as a doer. I want to be known for the things I passionately support rather than a negative stream of consciousness about everything in the world I’m against.

Every dollar will help and I’m already $150 closer to my goal! Click HERE to donate.

Me then? Meet Me Now– 1st Kid/2nd Kid

November 14, 2012 by Robin

I had just finished nursing school when Aubrey was born. I knew breast was best and sneered at women buying formula at the grocery store. I spent hours with the lactation consultant in the hospital mastering the art of breastfeeding. The extra hands didn’t hurt as the Big Berthas outweighed my baby and tended to be a bit unruly.

Anytime someone came to the house to see my new baby, I exiled myself to the bedroom to feed her discreetly. I got confused about what “feed her every three hours” actually meant. From the time we STARTED? Or from the time we finished? Because those are two different things entirely. And if it was from the time we started then I basically needed to just leave her on the boob 24/7 cuz girlfriend was slllllllllooooooowwww.

It pains me now to even think about this part– the part where I set a &*^%@ timer to WAKE MY SLEEPING BABY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, because the lactation consultant said every three hours. Who does that??

PSA: NEVER WAKE A SLEEPING BABY. Especially in the middle of the freaking night.

When my second kid came along, I tossed the timer and let her sleep in her carseat beside my bed. When she woke up to eat, I didn’t even open my eyes, I’d pull out a Bertha, toss Emma in the bed beside me and let her nurse self-service style– and if you didn’t want to see my zipples THEN LEAVE THE FOOD COURT AT THE MALL CUZ I’M FEEDING MY BABY.

My babies are blessedly eating solid foods now, but it makes me laugh every time I hear myself saying something to my 2nd or 3rd kids that I never would have said to my 1st.

1st Kid: Perfect birthday party, smocked birthday outfit, matching invitations, goody bags and party decorations.

2nd Kid: Grab a cupcake from the grocery store bakery as an afterthought two days after her birthday. Stick a small tealight candle leftover from Halloween on top of it because you forgot candles.

3rd Kid: Use kid’s birthday as an excuse to go eat Mexican with your Mommy friends. Have a Margarita, tell management it’s your kid’s birthday and BAM! mariachis, free dessert and the most awesome birthday hat EVER.

Watch the LUVS videos HERE! I want to hear YOUR 1st Kid 2nd Kid stories!

This month I’m working with a team of humor bloggers including Kelcey, Ann, Susan, Candy and Amy. We’re hijacking LUVS’ marketing for their clever and funny 1st Kid/2nd Kid campaign, for which I’m compensated.