After spending roughly eleventy-hundred hours in pediatrician’s waiting room over the last eight years of my life, I have made several observations that could make the experience more pleasant for everyone involved. Here is a complete list of the problems and my ingenious solutions.
Problem: Toddlers logrolling on the waiting room floor.
Solution: Install carseats with 5-point harnesses instead of chairs. All children not capable of sitting still must be strapped in.
Problem: Other people’s obnoxious children screaming, whining and throwing a fit.
Solution: Instead of a well child and sick child waiting areas at the doctors office I propose a different solution– Well Behaved Kids Waiting Room and Kids That Need an Exorcist Waiting Room. I will be the first to admit that occasionally my own children need to go to the latter room. I’d willingly take the walk of shame to take them there to save everyone else from having to deal with them.
My children have finally graduated from the rolling in the floor stage and thanks, in no small part to Steve Jobs and my iPhone, we are now capable of waiting for hours on end without me losing my mind.
But at this point I’ve discovered something even more annoying than listening to my kids screaming. That’d be listening to somebody else’s kid screaming. The screams of a known toddler are maddening. The screams of unknown toddler are enough to make you beat your head against the waiting room wall until you blissfully lose consciousness making your wait much shorter.
Last week I learned two very effective methods to stop the screaming. The first is simple, but possibly illegal— but desperate times, desperate measures. To stop the screams of an unknown toddler, simply flip the fire alarm, because apparently the antidote to high-pitched screaming and crying is more high pitched squealing. Win, win. Right? The fire alarm went off and suddenly the obnoxious kid who had been screaming for hours was silent.
The second way to stop kids from screaming at the doctor’s office is to threaten to punish them by counting. It’s a little known fact that children are terrified of numbers. Specifically the numbers, “One, two, and three.” Nothing is more terrifying to a toddler than hearing their parent say while never looking up from their cell phone, “Junior if you don’t sit down and stop screaming you are going to be in big trouble! Do you hear me! Stop. One…two…three…”
Cue hysterical laughter from unknown toddler.
Installing a few of these in the waiting room couldn’t hurt anything.
I do not miss those days.
Girl, I still can’t get over the fact that you have a sick AND well child waiting area. Not us…it’s every child and communicable disease for her/himself in our singular waiting room.
And, YES to the separate naughty room. I would drink less wine if I heard less whine.
Bethany Thies recently posted..A Pox on Our House/A Case of Bieber Fever
I need that on a t-shirt!
The separate waiting areas are still just as bad as the combined ones. There are ALWAYS those parents who will let their kids roam from one area to another & a lot of the toys are community toys. What kills me at my Peditrician’s office is you have to go to the SICK SIDE to register.
Sounds like an excellent proposal!
Very excellent ideas! In addition, I’d like to propose that we send middle and high school aged kids into the waiting room to observe. I have a feeling we could cure the teenage pregnancy problem in ten minutes!
Lord, half the moms in my peds office are teens! We have the highest teen pregnancy rate in the country, sadly. But I agree! It couldn’t hurt!
Bethany, our pedes office also has separate well and sick waiting areas, which is great, except for the fact that the sick and well kids all go straight for that nasty-a$$ community book & toy shelf and touch every friggin thing on it! And the sicker the kid, the more comatose his/her parent is and hence the more stuff they touch/chew/lick/snot on! Drives me crazy! Somebody didn’t *quite* think that waiting room layout all the way through…
They should divide those sick and well areas with an open bar. All problems solved.
alaina recently posted..Classy Individuals.
Ooooo. LIKE.
OMG that counting and not following through business makes me crazy! Why do people think that works? Gaaah!
I agree, separate waiting areas would be swell.
Nice dream!!
Duct tape may work. But that could result in a call to the authorities.
Offer unknown kids lollipops, and offer to buy a coffee for their parents. Never, ever lace lollipops and coffee with laxatives, though…
I can’t stop laughing about the “Needs an Exorcism” waiting area. I need that space in my house…! Of course, half the time I’ll be the one waiting to be exorcised (is that even a word?).
Lily from It’s a dome life recently posted..Please Stop Trying To Convert Me To Your Religion
Hail. Yes it is. We all need a little Jesus from time to time
I have followed you for many months now and and it’s like Christmas morning when my Blackberry beeps and lets me know you have posted a new blog. Yes, I’ve became a stalker. I have four boys and reading about you and your gals has filled the hole the Kate + 8 left when their show went to hail.
Thank you for shareing your day to day life with us and your book is my bible.
As for the waiting room, you could not be more correct. I’d love to hear your soultions after entering the treatment rooms and my children want to automatically hoard the huge popsickle sticks and see if they can reach their little hands into the large red box on the wall displaying the hazard sign. My two year old loves to do the log roll in there as well. I try to cover them in the foamy germ x afterwards but they usually spike their hair with it instead. GREAT TIMES!
Anyway……..rambling, I am. Great job sister. You make my day!
Hi Kathy!!! Thanks so much for following and finally coming out of the closet as a reader!! 😉 Although I’m not sure how I feel about being compared to ole Kate!! Thanks for reading! Add me on FB if you haven’t! Robin Wiley O’Bryant!