Please note my friend Jim, front row, who is wiping TEARS out of his eyes. God, it was bad.
I went to my hometown of Jasper, Alabama last week to sign my book, “Ketchup is a Vegetable and Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves.” (Which, by the by, is currently top-rated #1 in Parenting/Humor on Amazon AND free to read for Amazon Prime Members. *flashes charming smile* DING! As you were…)
Normally when we go home it’s for a quick trip to see my in-laws. We see other folks in passing but there never seems to be enough time to sit and visit with everyone we would like to see. But last week I did just that. For two days I sat and talked to all of my hometown favorites: my friends’ parents who helped to raise me, school teachers, church friends, and column readers who I had never met. I had a blast.
I was especially excited for my Friday night signing where I was going to be reading from the book. When you write for a publication of any kind, you submit your columns and hope for the best. You wonder if people enjoy them or hate them, if they laugh or cry… but often you never know either way. Reading your work to readers is amazing because you get to see, hear and experience the reader reacting to your story.
I spent the afternoon between signings in my dad’s office working on some last minute details. Three of my best friends were with me, and I realized I hadn’t decided what to read that evening. I wanted to choose carefully because while most of the material is PG-13, I didn’t want to scandalize any children who might be attending with their parents. My friends and I flipped through the book considering essays, “Awkward Naked Moments” is one of my favorites but not something I’d read to my own kids so we kept looking.
“What about ‘Road Trips’?” My sister suggested.
“I think it may be a little too long.” We kept turning pages.
“ ‘In Sickness and In Health’ might be a good one,” I suggested.
My girls all quickly agreed. The story features all of my family members and some classic male/female comedy. It was decided. We had thought this through and made a calculated and (somewhat) educated decision.
We hustled over to the restaurant and I signed books and visited for a bit before I began reading. By the third paragraph my chest was red and splotchy. My face was roughly the same temperature as the surface of the sun and my ears felt like they were going to spontaneously combust on the side of my head.
I had chosen, out of 32 essays, to read roughly 3000 words dedicated to nausea, vomiting and diarrhea… while people were eating dinner. I wanted to die. I paused to apologize, “Y’all. I’m really sorry about this. I obviously didn’t think this out. I know y’all are eating and I’m talking about vomit and if you came here to eat and not to see me, then… I’m really, REALLY sorry.”
I couldn’t go back, so I just went ahead and read with gusto. I said “Puke, diarrhea, breastfeeding, and vomit” repeatedly, and died a little on the inside every time. When I finally, blissfully reached the end of the essay I apologized again, “I’m really sorry if I ruined your dinner, but honest to God that was the mildest chapter I could think of to read.”
Hopefully, I was the only one there who actually felt like throwing up. If awkwardness could be measured in nickels and dimes, I’d be a wealthy woman by now.
Lucky for me, and for you, I don’t have a weak stomach. I continued right along with my ribeye as you described the events of the virus! Anyone who has read your blog or column should not be surprised!
At least you can get up there and read your work…:) Ok, maybe not the most ideal selection for over dinner, but I bet everyone loved it anyway! Whenever I send out my blog posts or my columns, I go hide some place where I can’t hear people not laughing at me…
Paige Kellerman recently posted..Dear Santa …and A Giveaway
I hate I missed it. But hearing about second-hand over breakfast was almost as good. 😉
Jodi recently posted..You really haven’t lived until…
I thought it was great! And funny! Which is why people came to see you anyway;)
Wait – Free? Because it’s ranked #1, I assume. Wow! See? It’s just like I said. Rock Star.
I have a promotional thing going with them. To get new to me readers!
I’m hoping Santa brings me the Kindle I asked for…your book is going to be the first one added! Can’t wait! Congratulations BTW!
Heather recently posted..Visiting Santa Clause 2011
Oh I hope so too!! If you have a smart phone you can download the kindle app for free and buy the book through amazon!
Love it. I would be like Jim. I guess it comes from being a Mama. Any chance of any book signing around Albertville, Boaz or Gadsden??
Oh, my. I haven’t gotten to that chapter yet, but I give you credit for getting up there and reading aloud. I’ve just started the book, but the passage about how you ended up with coleslaw in your bra had me in hysterics! I did the cabbage-leaf thing, too.
Abby recently posted..Not Company Men – Er, Boys
Oh no! But how funny at the same time. I’m sure they were just thrilled to hear you read and, honestly, if any of them are parents nausea and poop aren’t going to bother them a bit.
heidi recently posted..my christmas past
I HATE that I had to miss you while you were here in Jasper! But am thrilled that a friend got your hilarious book for me. Am only a few chapters in, but have poked my husband countless times and said, “Listen to this . . .!” while laughing through my tears! I am loving every page. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us – makes me fell VERY normal to read about you and your family!
I read this yesterday in the Moultrie News and thought it was hilarious. Most authors probably would have stopped reading, but, you plunged ahead. That’s what I like about reading your posts on all that’s going on with you, the kids, the family…you just keep wading in and getting it done.
Thanks so much! Apparently a reader here in MS thought the column was a little too much. What can I say? So did I. I wanted to die. But it happened and if I wasn’t such a bumbling fool I’d have nothing to write about!! Thanks for reading!!
Hilarious! I wish I lived closer and could meet you in person! Alas I will live vicariously through your blog and book, and be happy that my dear friend Emily Riser has the privilage of knowing you for real. Keep up the good work!!! You are an inspiration to all of us real moms out there.
Thank you so much! Maybe We will get to meet one day! Remind me where you are?
Your book was the first book that I chose to read on my new Kindle. I enjoyed every page of it! As a mother myself, I related to many of the stories. I laughed and cried but it was just what I needed to keep my sanity. Thank you for writing such a great book! I cant wait to tell all of my girlfriends to read your book! Also, I wish the best to you and your family, those girls are blessed to have such a funny and smart woman that they call “mommy”.
Well Katherine you got me all teary!! Thank you so much for the kind words! Come find me on FB so we can chat about motherhood! (And if you haven’t yet please leave a review on Amazon! It helps me so much!)