This weekend the Hubs and I are headed out of town ALL BY OURSELVES to go to a friend’s wedding reception. I am working my butt off, very literally, trying to lose “my baby weight.” (Yes, my *baby* is two. Shut. Up.)
At any rate, I’ve lost 3.5 pounds in the last two weeks and I don’t want to buy anymore clothes until I drop some more lbs. So in lieu of a new outfit for the par-tay, I opted for a spray tan.
It’s common knowledge that brown fat is much more attractive than white fat, so I figured I’d feel cuter in the same dress I’ve worn to every event for the last two years if I was slightly brown.
But here in The Wood we don’t have spray tanning booths. No ma’am. We have PEOPLE who will airbrush your body after you strip nekkid. (Oh yes, you read that co-rrectly. You get naked, they spray you down like a car needing a new paint job… or a mini-van. Or a tank… whatever, you get the idea.)So I just gritted my teeth, tried not to think about it too hard and walked right in the salon like nobody was about to see me nekkid. I made small talk with my friend who owns the shop and concentrated on my breathing.
The girl called me to the back. My heart was hammering in my chest as we walked down the hallway and she said, “I love your boots. Those are so cute!”
“Yeah, thanks. You’ll need to concentrate on how cute my boots are for the next ten minutes, cuz I’ll tell you what’s not cute: Me. Nekkid.”
They had given me a robe to use after I undressed in the bathroom, so I could walk to the screened off area where they spray you down. The robe was hanging on the corner of the screen, and as I stood there, reaching for the robe, I bumped the screen. Hard.
It wobbled unsteadily for approximately half of a second, but it was long enough for me to throw up in my mouth and for my heart to flatline. I was THISCLOSE to standing completely nekkid in front of everyone in the salon. The screen righted itself just as quickly as it wobbled and I almost cried out in relief.
“Thank you Jesus. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!”
I’m glad I did it, now. I am positively glowing. So what if my naked, fluorescent-white flesh has been burned permanently into the stylist’s memory?
What’s the craziest/scariest thing you’ve ever done to look good or feel better about yourself?
The only and only time that I got a spray tan was in Jackson…and in a booth. But only lord knows where it was located. But, I think having a real person (vs a robot) do it would result in a much better job anyway. Just hope you don't run into this woman in public…or at church…
You know, somehow I get the feeling that she's probably seen a lot of women who are much more unattractive than you think you are. I'm just saying.
And I'll bet you looked like hotness after your tan, so… who cares?
Stopping by from LBS!
FUN! I hope y'all had a wonderful weekend. Yay for escaping!
And you're so much braver than me. I would have donned a wrap at least, ala Toddlers & Tiaras.
First of all, my "baby" is 11, so I win!
Secondly, I almost had coffee spewing from my nose when I read that brown fat is much more attractive than white fat…. (Really, I must learn not to drink or eat stuff while I read your blog).
Craziest thing: had a bra fitting in a real bra shop and the fitter turned out to be one of my former students. Yeah. That was fun. NOT.
Robin, I give spray tans all the time and everyone feels nervouse. But really, us stylists don't care. We all have parts of our body we don't like and really what we are thinking about is "is the tan dripping? Is it even? Did I get all the areas?" So don't worry.
I am impressed! Just the thought of doing that makes me nervous.
Maybe you should talk them into getting a more solid divider before someone really does a full salon expose!
Born and raised Southern. Where I come from, 'naked' means you are not wearing clothes. 'Nekkid' means you are not wearing clothes and you are up to something.
Thanks for making me laugh this morning!