I’ve spent the last nine months fighting a dark and intense battle with depression. When I just counted back to when things started to get bad, it took my breath away.
Nine months.
Nine months of darkness and mental torment. Nine months of feeling helpless and hopeless. Nine long months after a lifetime of smaller skirmishes with mental illness.
After my book tour ended in April, I sent my manuscript to my editor, and promptly fell apart. There are so many words, so much pain, and such a depth of despair I could tell you about during that two month period. But it’s not time for that, yet.
I quit blogging and writing my newspaper columns because I was incapable of doing anything productive– like getting dressed, taking care of my kids, or cooking meals.
There have been times in the past few years when I’ve felt down and had to fake the funny to keep writing. That wasn’t even an option. I was being smothered by a concrete blanket which settled heavier on my chest the more I tried to fight it.
In May, I gave up and gave in. My disease had become life threatening, disabling and I begged my doctor for help. I “summered,” if you will, at an outpatient treatment center in Jackson, MS to get the help I needed.
I spent 12 weeks in intensive outpatient care. This means I had to stay in a hotel, take my own meds and eat my own food– which was a huge disappointment to me. I had fantasies of three meals a day I didn’t have to cook, taking pills that somebody else counted out and possibly cutting my hair like Winona Ryder’s to look more waifish.)
I’m telling you all of this because I can’t find a way back to writing without being honest. I know writing is my gift and my life’s breath. It’s what fills me up, what connects me to other people and more often than not– it’s how I begin to heal.
But I’m terrified. As much as I’d like to say, “I don’t care what anybody thinks of me,” I do care. As much as I’d like to pretend there isn’t a stigma attached to being mentally ill– there is. I worry about small town gossip in front of my kid’s school mates, I worry about people telling them their mother is crazy. I worry about becoming so associated with mental illness that it becomes my identity. I worry that instead of being Robin– a compilation of strengths and weaknesses, humor and pain– instead of being human, I’ll become something less than.
So why the hell am I telling you this?
Because I can’t pretend to be something I’m not. It’s impossible for me to go back to being funny without acknowledging where I’ve been… where I am.
We all know that life is brutal. But that’s what makes the beautiful things absolutely breathtaking. Sharing the laughter without the pain makes the exquisite joy of life and laughter less meaningful.
I’m so much better than I was a few months ago, a few weeks ago, a few days ago and I am hopeful that my recovery will continue. But I’m taking it slow and struggling everyday to show myself grace– to take care of myself by doing simple things: drinking water, going to bed early, reading lots of real paper books and lying on the bed with whichever of my girls will be still and talk to me.
I needed to tell you where I’ve been, and that I’m okay. And if you’re there, hurting and hopeless– it gets better. I know you don’t think it ever will. I know you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. From where you are, it’s too dark and you doubt if a way out even exists.
But I promise it’s there… I’ve seen it myself and I’m reaching backwards, offering you my hand in the dark and urging you to take one tiny step forward.
If you need help call 1-800-273=8255 and Google “low fee therapy” for affordable therapy in your area.
*I am working on a mental health awareness project, if you are interested in being involved please email me at robinschicks (at) gmail.com, with a photo, your name, age, short description of who you are/what you do and your diagnosis. And I’ll send you more information.
I am proud of you. Thank you for your honesty. And I am in awe that you did it all while making your own meals! I am not kidding. Sometimes the kitchen that we are blessed to have feels like a trap. Keep climbing. And thanks for throwing back the rope.
Oh I didn’t actually cook. I ate out, or in my car or not at all. BUT thank you for your kind words, those of us who suffer, have to pull each other through!
Thank you for your honesty. It is nothing to be ashamed of but our society does make us feel that way. I am so glad you are finding your way!
Chronicallysickmanicmother recently posted..Protect your time like a tenacious two year old
I absolutely relate… And thankful that I got help through an amazing doctor. In saying that…. Continue to be aware of your state of emotions daily …. The days you feel yourself sinking…. Stop doing anything and rest. Because if you push beyond that point you will just experience setback. I worked on this for over 3 years…. But I can say now I readily recognize when I need a breather and have very few bad days as far as depression.
I have some other issues health wise …. But that was the absolute worst. So glad you are improving….. Admitting it is an issue brings healing much faster. Because it is not something people see in us….. But as my doctor said ” don’t expect people to understand unless they ‘ve been there.” Respect yourself and they will also!!!!
Oh, Robin. So glad you wrote about this. I’ve been thinking about you a lot. You’re so right that the brutality of life makes the good stuff in life even more beautiful. And I get the terror of “coming out.” I haven’t yet. I live in a small town too, and I have all the same worries. I am not as brave as you. Not yet. I’m still in the closet for the most part, and I’m struggling with it. Anyway, I’m so glad you’re fighting and persisting. And winning. xoxo
JD @ Honest Mom recently posted..How I’m successfully managing my mental health without antidepressants
Instead of worrying what your kids may face by ignorant people speaking, you should be proud of the example you are for them. Showing them not only how to care for your self by admitting and seeking treatment for your illness, but also for not hiding it. Way to go! Hope your road to recovery has more ups than downs!
The part about how you turned in our manuscript and promptly fell apart resonated with me. It made me think about the intense amount of pressure and how we don’t even notice it… until it’s done. I’m not sure if that’s how it felt for you, but in my own life I’m familiar with an intense coming down period after something big. And it’s always a surprise. And, I love you.
Angie Mizzell recently posted..A blogger looks at 40.
Oh, my friend… so very sorry for your struggle these past months. As difficult as it may be for you to share this, I honestly feel that you are helping others who may not have the voice just yet. Honesty is raw and hard and not ever easy. So proud of you for sharing. I wish you continued peace. xoxo
Sherri recently posted..She’s Sweet Sixteen
Your honesty was refreshing. People will always judge but here’s to keeping it real no matter the consequences. I am who I am! Hope your get your smile back.
Sharing your experience is very powerful. Thank you.
Robbie recently posted..Friday Fifty
You’re strong and amazing and I love you. That is all.
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You have nothing to be ashamed of, Robin. Depression is absolutely debilitating and is no joke. It certainly sounds as if you’ve come a long, long way in these nine months.
Perhaps think of that time in relation to your writing (and yourself, maybe?) as a rebirth of sorts. You’re giving your writing new breath and life; just like with a child, it’s a process, ever-changing, with stages that must be experienced for all that they are. Be patient with yourself as you find your way back to the writing. This post is a tremendous, brave start. Keep going.
Melissa F. recently posted..seeing the hard battle
I am rooting for you and here and you can always, always be honest with me. xoxo
Kim Bongiorno at Let Me Start By Saying recently posted..The Thing About Loss
I had wondered where you went, and now I hope you’re doing better. I have several immediate family members that have battled depression and bipolar schizophrenia. It’s hard work and yes there are people that will talk, but people talk no matter what. Best of luck and hoping you contine on the slow upward climb.
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I am so sorry that you are dealing with such a struggle. I’m so glad that a) you sought the help you needed and b) you are willing to share it. I have fallen in and out of depression for years. It’s dark and smothering, I’ve never experienced what you did, but I can definitely empathize. I was depressed for awhile in SC, it was hard moving away from everything and everyone I knew. I’d never lived further than 4 hours from my parents. Out of everyone on that job sight YOU were the one that really made me feel like I was home whenever I was around you. You were welcoming, friendly and it just felt like I had an instant friend! Thank you
A book I’ve found helpful and have reread a lot, us Conquering Depression: it’s a 30 day read, focuses on you and God. You should check it out.
This made me teary! You were a bright spot for me too!
You are brave.
You are beautiful.
You are funny.
You are fierce.
You are honest.
You are honoring us by sharing your personal truth.
With a smile and a twinkle and the excited anticipation of all the good that is yet to come — we welcome you back with open arms.
Darcy Perdu (So Then Stories) recently posted..Clown Butlers, Topless Nuns & Free Hugs!
So happy to hear you are doing better. I have battled depression most of my adult life. When I am down in the trenches anti depessants help but I hate to be on them indefinitely. I have found that running is my new anti depressant and am happy to say I have not had to be on meds for going on two years now. Keep your chin up, you have nothing to be ashamed of. And you are an awesome writer!!!!
Thank you for sharing this. There are so many of us out here who understand the bleakness. Summoning enough mental energy to fight for your mental health is one of the most difficult challenges to overcome, and I admire your courage and strength in doing so. Bless you for shining your light and being a voice in this important conversation.
Dear Robin,
I love you.
I am such a fan.
You are so ridiculously talented.
I’ve held you in such high regard. Your honesty only makes it more so. I can’t wait to meet you some day, to read more of your work, to share your work with my kids when they are older.
You are wonderful.
Love,
Amanda
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Oh Robin, I am so, so glad that you found the light. You’re exactly right, when you’re on the darkness you often don’t believe the light is there, and if you think it might be you’re too overwhelmed and immobilized to look. Thank you for writing this; I know it will help countless people, and I hope one of those people is you.
hollow tree ventures recently posted..Your Complete Guide To Parenting Screw-Ups: Sports Edition
Oh Robyn… This THIS is where you will find purpose in your pain. Your honesty and truth will be a beacon for many.
I have wondered what you were going through and now I can pray for you with more clarity.
Hold on mama. Hold on….
chris carter recently posted..Stepping Into Fear and Taking Off
Thank you so much for sharing your story. My father suffered from depression and was never strong enough to get the help that he needed. I wish you love, hope and laughter in the coming days, months and years!
Your honesty is brave, and a big step to recovering. I hope you can find a way to enjoy the small day to day moments that make up your life, because life is precious, and so very short. I’ve found Feeling Good by Dr Burns to be so helpful in turning negative thoughts into positive ones. Prayers for you and always here if you need anything!
Thank you for your honesty. It is so hard to get people to really understand the paralyzing effect that true depression has on our lives. I know because I’ve struggled with bouts of major depression on and off since my teen years. Being depressed when you are a mom is so much worse though. It gives you the added guilt of being unable to care for your children.
Anyway, all that is to say I’m proud of you for stepping forward and sharing your struggle. I wish you continued healing and strength!
Good for you for taking care of yourself. I’m glad you found the help you needed. And I’m glad you’re being open about it. And I’m glad you’re you. Big hugs.
Suebob recently posted..Things I Learned from Putting on a Speech Contest
I am sending all my love and surrounding you in it.
Your grace and courage is inspiring and finding its way to women who desperately need to hear it.
I look forward to a time in the future I can wrap you up in a big old hug.
Tiffany Romero recently posted..September 27th: Share Your Favorite Post At Saturday Sharefest
Proud of you. Be proud of yourself.
God, I love honesty. I can’t decide if I want to applaud you, hug you, or high-five you. I’m thinking maybe all three. THANK YOU for being honest. I hope you feel cleansed and ready to face the next step of your journey.
Harmony recently posted..You Are You And You Are Love.
Thank you so much for speaking out about this issue. I think as mothers, it’s easy to get so busy with kids, spouses, pets, jobs, etc and put yourself at the bottom of the list. Before long you are acting like a person you no longer recognize, and it’s devastating. I am so happy that you have a supportive hubby and family and you were able to go get the help you needed. Many wishes for continued happiness for your family and peace for you!
I’ve been missing you, kid. And now I’m adding you to my prayer list. You – and your family – you’re ona be ok. xoxoxox
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I am SO proud of you!!! It takes a lot of courage to ask for help and even more to share your journey with all of us. Thank you for that! Take care of yourself!
Love,
Julie (a member of the moms’ group at Hendersonville [TN] First United Methodist that you spoke to–twice)
Sending you so much love, Robin.
You are so brave for seeking help! I have to say I’ve been there too, I once found myself completely stuck and unable to function because I couldn’t decide what to pack in my son’s lunchbox! Keeping you in my prayers.
You are by far one of the BRAVEST women I know! Absolutely amazing mom, wife and friend! Our family is beyond blessed to have you in our life, we will continue to pray for your strength. I love you
Hi –
Understand to clearly the fear of sharing your story because of the stigma. I recently co-founded an organization, This Is My Brave, to stop the stigma by sharing stories via a theater production of essays, poetry, and music performed by those living with a mental illness. We would love to connect with you! Congrats on being Brave!
Oh Robin… we love you so!! I’ve been reading these comments and thinking, so many people have said things I would echo, far more eloquently than I could. Depression is hard. SO hard. And only those who’ve been there can even begin to understand. I’m one of those, and I’m eternally thankful for someone in my life who, like you, threw a lifeline out to me when I needed it. I thought she had it alllll together and could not imagine how she was juggling so much, while I struggled with what (by comparison) felt like so little. Then, she opened up to me about her struggle with depression, and sent me that DAY to our mutual dr for help. It’s been nothing short of miraculous to experience such a turnaround in my life in just a year’s time. I pray the same for you. And I will keep on praying.
Know that so many of us love your writing, and you make us laugh and cry and know we aren’t alone in this crazy world. But most importantly, we love YOU and are here for you! <3
This is brave for you to do so. Thank you for sharing your story with us. You are loved and cherished. Don’t forget about that.
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Robin: I appreciate your honesty. I’ve grappled with my bipolar disorder for more than 30 years now, and have rebounded recently from a depressive episode when my standby medicines of all that time abruptly quit working. Ironically enough, my so-called “manic” episodes are so mild they’re downright gratifying: I feel like a normal person having an especially good day, and having the energy to do all the things I need to do. I’ve never experienced bizarre or over-the-top behavior while on these “highs.”
I’m on all-new meds now, which have leveled off the mood swings–a mixed blessing, as I no longer have a series of really good days, just a leveled-out vague moroseness that at least doesn’t sink to the acute depression that makes life unbearable. I really miss the highs, but not the lows. Please keep hanging in there, and I’d like to read updates on your experience.