All of my life I’ve been Too Scared. Not as in I am beyond scared but I’ve always been terrified of being myself because I thought I was too much of one thing or another.
Too religious, too coarse, too awkward, too emotional, too Christian, too liberal to be a “good” Christian, too Christian to be a good artist… too much.
I felt that I was a contradiction. I have been afraid of being myself. I have tried to stay in the center of the road when at times I wanted to veer off the road all together, chasing rabbit trails and exploring what lies beyond the everyday.
I have held back. Here in this space that is mine, and yours if you want it to be, I have self-edited. I have deleted words that were too racy or religious. I have worried what my pastor, preacher, teacher, banker, parents, kids, friends’ children, church members, and peers would think if I said what I really thought. If I dropped the mask all together and was 100% totally me. Unfiltered. Raw. Vulnerable.
That’s what it boils down to really. I’ve been too scared to let it ALL hang out and in doing so I feel like I’ve cheated not only myself, but my readers. Because I’m more than just a punchline. More than just a mother. I’m not “just” an anything. I am Me– and the older I get, the more I like Me.
This past weekend I had the amazing opportunity to be at Creative Alliance 2012.
It’s very difficult for me to articulate what this experience meant to me… it was a creative retreat, a conference of 50 women. The differences between CA and other conferences I’ve been to is staggering but when I was explaining it to Sister Wife I said, “Other conferences I’ve been to have been about self-promotion. At CA everyone there was thinking, ‘What can I give to this group? How can I help the women that are here?'” And because everyone there came to give, everyone there left with something.
The last night of CA my dear, sweet, friend Ann (read her blog, stalk her regularly, you will love her to bits and pieces) hosted a reading featuring about 20 of the attendees original works. She had gently prodded me to read and I shared a story I thought I could never share anywhere else. When Ann read it she emailed me: WHY can’t you read this somewhere else??
Because it’s too much of me, I thought immediately.
I read the piece there, knowing that I was surrounded by a safety net of creative women who were all in this one space trying to dig deeper into themselves to produce better art, to be more creative and more themselves. And you know what? They loved me– Jesus freak, f-bomb dropper, and one big contradiction. They laughed and they accepted me and they got it.
And just like that, surrounded by the laughter of some of the most diverse and amazing women from all over the country, something broke inside of me and I realized– I’m not too scared anymore.
I will always remember your reading that night. You brought down the house, arrrr, tent. Thank you for sharing the real you with us.
Barbara Feldman recently posted..Attention, Bloggers! You Need These Books!
Thank you Barbara!
I have chills reading this!
I’m so glad to have met you, squished into the back seat of a rental car with you, and heard your words. You’re altogether just the way you should be.
Suebob recently posted..10 Years, 2 Months, 25 Days
Thank you Sue! Loved getting to know you!
And you made me wet my pants. This is both good and bad news. But as long as there are Depends, I am ok with it! What a great experience to share a presentation with you! xx
Molly Campbell recently posted..STAR POWER
Thanks Molly!
Robin,
I loved loved loved your reading–even if it did make me almost pee in my pants. And I so identify with this post. I too have spent my life believing that I was “too much” and trying to conceal it. I went to CA ’12 having decided that if it was worth it to me to keep blogging, then I had to come clean in all ways about who and what I am. The conference did that for me too. Who knows what’s next!
Jane Gassner (@MidLifeBloggers) recently posted..True! Funny! Sad! NSF!
So exciting and what an amazing experience for all of us! Can’t wait to see what you do next, I love your vision!
Lucky and honored to have been part of that safety net this weekend. Happy to be a part of your journey, whatever that might mean.
Yuliya Patsay “Social Media Strategist & Professional Handholder” has a certain ring to it, no?
From one freaky Jesus person, f-bomb dropper, to another, let me say, “Thank you!” I need you in my life. I need to know I am not alone.
Having a unique voice is great until it isn’t. When it isn’t then it is a very lonely place. Meeting you helped me feel no longer so alone. You’ll never know how deeply you spoke into my spirit.
love, c
Chloe Jeffreys recently posted..Owning It in 4 Easy Lessons
Thank you Chloe, I enjoyed getting to meet you SO much. So much.
I totally get this. The “don’t talk about politics and religion at the park” person in me gets this 100%. But the “don’t talk about politics and religion at the park” person emerged with the suburb and the minivan and it’s just exhausting to live in one facet of yourself. I’m so glad you got to read your piece and that I was there to hear it. It was inspiring far beyond what it was.
Chara recently posted..My Inner Marathoner Is Afraid Of Bears
Thank you Chara! Looking forward to getting to know you better!
Girl, you just broke through! I cannot wait to hear more.
–Semitic Sister Wife
I feel like it’s FB official now, “Robin O’Bryant is in a relationship with Ann Imig.”
You can only be as amazing as you allow yourself to be. Ready to read the new you, sprouting wings and flying. I want to know the real you. Can’t wait to read about her.
Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments recently posted.."How To Control Your Children."
Bravo, Robin!
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. And inspiring those of us who are still a little “too” scared to not be afraid to just be who we are…in my case, a Southern-born woman who’s become a liberal, ( I said it! OK, typed it.), an f-bomb dropper and occasional middle-finger-flipper on the interstate, loves God but probably not “good enough” by some standards, who wishes she were more secure (I put up a pretty good act.) :/
Thanks you.
I love it Mandie! Thanks for sharing!
It was truly an honor to meet you last weekend, and you describe CA12 perfectly: everyone there to give instead of ‘take something away’. Thank you for being part.
Amy Whitley recently posted..Open windows, open doors
Lately it seems like we live in a world where you can’t be a contradiction, you have to be “all in” on one side of the line. Screw that! I LOVE being a contradiction
Embrace it! You are amazing.
You are rad. Every bit of you.
xo
Lisa Rae @ smacksy recently posted..The Accent
I feel egg-zactly the same about you.
Bring it, Robin! Looking forward to what the Not Scared You will say next!!
Your piece was pure magic in every way. You shone like the bright light you are; you didn’t hold back anything – not the juiciest, rawest, funniest, realest parts of you – and my heart swelled with so much love for you as I listened I could hardly stand it.
And you ARE so much more than a punchline, but I gotta say I haven’t laughed that hard in a long, long time.
What an incredible honor to get to know you better – feel that twin brain sisterhood connection with you – and I look forward to a future rich with more Robin-ness.
Love you.
-Ellie
Ellie @ One Crafty Mother recently posted..Pile Denial – Friendship, Connection and Trust
Now go and write. I can’t wait to read YOU, all of you
Can we read it here?
IT sounds like it was fantastic.
I’m hopping around reading everyone’s CA posts. What a great time away and with eternal effects.
Lucky, lucky for everyone that was there.
Alexandra recently posted..Silver Lining To Everything
Thanks Alexandra! I’m hanging on to it for the next book WHICH I actually want to work on now. CA is an amazing catalyst!
I wasn’t there at the conference (plan to be next year though!), but what you wrote here touched me to the bone. I am emerging from ghost-writer to me-writer, professionally. The whole issue of “authenticity” is sitting squarely in the middle of the table right now. Spending so many years writing in the voice of others (in a PR and marketing career), I am shifting to the too much of me that is a writer, first and foremost.
That self-editing whore inside…. well she’s a gift in certain public situations, helping to glue my mouth shut when I want to yell at the gum-snapping clerk at Party City, but when it comes to writing, here’s the plan: “Sweetie, here’s a nice cup of hot cocoa and a comfy chair. I’ll be right over here, writing authentically. You just take a little rest while I do my thing.”
Thank you Robin for sharing this, I suspect you rocked many worlds with this post. Send you a Big Hug in gratitude!
Thank you!! And yes! Tell that beeyotch to give it a rest!
Your reading was one of the funniest things I’d ever heard. It wasn’t just the words, though those were hilarious. It was the delivery, the way you brought YOU into it, that made us all laugh and cheer and raise our…well, you know.
I wished I could’ve gotten to know you more but look forward to following you around these interwebz!
Cheryl @ Mommypants recently posted..Sprinting to freedom
Yep I feel that way alot. The more I am me the more people want to mold me back into what I once was. Nope I am going to be me and that’s that.
I love your blogs!!!
Anyone that thinks you can love Jesus with your whole heart AND have the mouth of a sailor is a friend of mine. 😉
FYI, when I come stay with you, I demand you to be all of you! I can take it. The Cacibaudas are known to be too much for people. It’s almost a gift. Really.
I absolutely loved this, and I absolutely love you.
Alexa Cacibauda recently posted..Love, Your Sweet Peas
I need to get me some of that! I censor myself all the time – and it’s gotta stop. Is there a support group I can join?
Yes. Yes. Yes. Amen. Amen. Amen. F bombs and Jesus and All of Robin. Give me more.
Gorgeous, Robin. So perfectly said and I censor myself in many of the same ways. Thanks for the encouragement to not be so scared anymore.
Meredith recently posted..Pooping Your Pants: The Adult Years
OMG. I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I sometimes feel like I’ve backed myself into a corner with my blog and I can only write about funny, G-rated kid stuff… or corny G-rated me stuff…or touchy-feely adoption stuff… when I really want to write about my vagina fart at the OB-GYN. But I can’t.
I don’t think my dad or my pastor read my blog, but if they did… I just couldn’t live with the guilt of knowing I killed someone. Thank you for at least letting me know I’m not alone. I’m not brave enough (yet!) to let the true me show completely through, but you’ve given me hope!!
Yes Amy! You took the words right out my mouth!!!!
Leslie recently posted..I Love Paris Because . . .
Wow. This really touched me. I feel like you wrote what is in my head and I thought no one understood. I really wish I could have heard your story based on all the positive feedback and what it did for you. I feel like there are so many facets of my personality, and I am so many different things to different people, but they are all ME. I have only recently started my blog, but I find myself censoring because I don’t want to offend anyone and I don’t want them to “think bad of me”. But I also desperately want to be ME. All of ME. And I am a Jesus-loving, spiritual-seeking, F-bomb dropping, dramatic, emotional, funny, sometimes scared inside, mother, wife, friend, woman with lots of flaws and lots of great attributes. Thanks for letting me see that I am not alone. I look forward to reading more of your posts, and I hope to gain the courage to follow your lead. ;o)