I can remember crying in the back of my mom’s maroon and cream Dodge Ram van, “When I have kids I’m NEVER going to say, ‘Because I said so!'” Oh the injustices I suffered in that van. Being forced to sit in the back seat, being forced to sit beside my brother, being forced to get out of the car at school. When I was a kid I knew there were a few phrases I swore I would never say to my kids:
“Finish that. There are starving children in Africa.”
“I don’t care who made that mess I”m telling YOU to clean it up.”
“If I have to pull this car over!!”
Oh I had a plan. I would reason with my children. I would explain to them that they needed to eat their dinner to be healthy and strong. They were part of a family and must contribute to housework because we were all members of the same team and I would never ever have to threaten them. No, we would be so close. I would be so understanding.
In one of those curveballs that life likes to throw, I’ve heard some of the things that have come out of my mouth lately and I’ve realized I’m saying things I never expected to have to say to my children. Here are a few of my favorites:
“If you hadn’t licked my armpit you wouldn’t have deodorant in your mouth.”
“No panties, no dinner.”
“No hissing at the table.”
“Don’t lick the TV screen.”
“Why are there 12 toothbrushes in y’all’s bathroom? There are only three of you.”
“I wonder how much I could get for you on Craigslist.”
“I don’t care if your sister begged you to draw a butterfly on her face. You know better.”
“You can’t jump on the trampoline topless, just go ahead and write that down somewhere, it’s going to apply for the rest of your life.”
“Just because it says the marker is ‘Washable’ does NOT mean you were supposed to color the entire bottom of the tub blue.”
“Because I said so.”
And my parents score another point.
WHAT HAVE YOU SAID TO YOUR KIDS THAT YOU NEVER IMAGINED YOU’D HAVE TO SAY?
Because I said so and I’m the boss so that’s the only answer you need!
If I can stop laughing to type!! I think the “no panties, no dinner” should apply the rest of her life also!! And what is it with kids and toothbrushes?? I hid the new ones, next week, I see them in the bathroom drawer, full of caked on toothpaste?? What have I said, “Do you want to tell me what you did bad at school, or we can wait and you can explain it to your dad??” “say it again and I’ll put soap in your mouth and yes, it will make you puke”…they don’t care about the soap, but God forbid anyone pukes…..
LOL! Great post & so true. I recently snapped, in a fit of exasperation, “Get Yoda off my head!” Never predicted that one
To my son when he was little and had an affinity for peeing outside:
“It’s cold outside. You need to pee in the house.”
Also, sometimes “Because I said so” is the only answer there is, and it’s good enough, or at least it should be.
Shannon recently posted..More Than Just a Game?
So funny! I find myself telling my daughter, “I know I need to clean but don’t put the dust bunnies in your mouth!”
The list is endless, but some of the more memorable: you can’t wear my panties on your head; don’t lick the bottom of my shoe,the park bench, the tv, you name it, he’s licked it (but he has a great immune system!); don’t stick you’re finger in the dogs butt; and, that doesn’t belong in your ear.
Don’t lick your sister.
“Stop licking your sister!”
Shannon R recently posted..Autumn in the South
“I don’t care who started it, I’m about to finish it!” Mom always said it to my brother and I. It was a huge injustice, because my brother obviously started everything 😉 I’ve already used that one on the kids and I heard my mom’s voice coming out of my mouth when I said it.
“Stop licking the dog!”
“Do not hit your brother with that gun! Guns are for shooting, not hitting!”
“No, you may not try out your new homemade parachute.”
Oh my, I love the “no panties, no dinner.” I recently told my 4 yo son “Just because you have a scratch by your penis, doesn’t mean you need to be constantly touching it”.
Love the trampoline one!
Motherhood on the Rocks recently posted..DUALITY NAIL PAK GIVEAWAY
Hahaha! I love those, and have had moments like all of those. My top phrases I never thought to utter are :
“You must wear pants to play outside.”
“We do NOT eat our poop, it is yucky.”
Erica recently posted..School in September
We have the pants rule in my house too!
We have a real problem with nudity in our home. It seems like Gomer would prefer to be nude all the time. There is a lot of “put some underwear on before…you eat…sit on the couch…go outside…hug me…breakdance…etc. Great post!
At church, to young sons with fingers pointed like pistols – “No shooting at Jesus.”
YOU WIN!!! That is awesome!
This wins for the best comment on the internet. So funny!
Toothpaste is not a face cream!
Ziva recently posted..Prince Charming and the Princess
I have one: “Stop eating your yogurt with the lizard.” It’s a plastic toy lizard, but still… its tail probably isn’t the best or most sanitary means of getting yogurt into one’s mouth… “We don’t play with the dog’s weenie!” is another often heard phrase here! There are so many more, my little brain just can’t recall them -lol
I had to tell my 4 yr old to stop touching the 120 lb German Shepard’s wennie a few days ago myself….
Said during a game of playground tag, “I am NOT home base!”
No panties, NO dinner. I would like that painted on one of those rustic chic metal and wood signs so that I can hang it directly over my kitchen table and, a portable one for restaurant use. Please and thank you.
Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments recently posted.."How To Control Your Children."
Wow! These are good. We should carve them into a set of tablets (like the Ten Commandments). “No shooting at Jesus” should be the Golden Rule.
Here’s mine:
“Stop picking your nose with your tongue.”
sf
Sarah Frances Hardy recently posted..Happy Fall (almost!)
No panties, No Dinner. BAHAHAHA! Love.
I can’t bear that I have said “Don’t make me count to ten.” and “Take the dog’s antler bone out of your mouth.” (Not because the dog’s mouth isn’t cleaner than hers, but because my floor is so filthy)
Lichen recently posted..newborn photo perfection
My personal favorite: “Poop is not fingerpaint.” Although, I too have uttered the phrase, “Don’t lick the dog.”
Mostly the realization that my adorable tiny tots aren’t terribly dissimilar from frat boys. (I have two 2yo boys.) http://www.streamdoubletrouble.com/2012/04/05/10-phrases-frat-boys-and-toddlers-have-in-common/
“What do you MEAN you bathed the cat with your tongue?!?! You’re not REALLY her mother!!” Gah….
To my 3 year old – we do NOT put quarters in our vagina. nothing goes in there. EVER.
Holy cow, I have one of those, too. She cannot keep her fingers out of there!! I dread the day I have to go to the ER to have something odd removed. 😛
OMG! I love that! I’m about to fall out of my chair laughing!
Tonight I told them not to put their fingers in any animals anything. Or people’s.
Just…don’t ask.
Kim at Let Me Start By Saying recently posted..I Showed You My Bad Clothes Days, You Showed Me Yours
I have a couple bossy toddlers. I ask them if they are the mommy? No? Because I AM the mommy and you have to do what I tell YOU!
We DO NOT poop on the driveway! Especially on Mother’s Day!
Oh this is the best. I was just thinking this today, actually I probably think it every day. Today I said “if you want to touch a butt touch your own butt.”
Jessica recently posted..And she’s down
This literally made me laugh out loud at my desk – in a cubicle. Hilarious! I have 2 boys and I’m always telling them to keep their hands to themselves. Next time I have to intervene I’m going to use this one…maybe, just maybe it will embarrass them enough to stop tormenting each other so much!
One of my all time favorites that I said recently was “Don’t drag the dog to the laptop and use his tail to clean the monitor!”
Hilarious.
A few months ago I found myself saying something very strange to my son “Do not hit your father in the crotch with a camel” (He has one of those stick hobby horses, only it isn’t a horse it is a camel).
I think I need to keep a journal of all the strange things and present it to him and his future wife lol.
No kids yet but I’ve definitely yelled at my husband to stop biting the dogs.
ColdBlooded recently posted..Charles Towne.
No you cannot jump off the roof to land on the trampoline.
Stop touching Tonka’s (my dog) weenie
Stop picking your nose (leads to) DO NOT PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH
Use soap
“I’m not in the mood for your puberty right now.”
Awesome list! The deoderant one had me laughing out loud!
Sarah Auerswald recently posted..Growing Up As A White Minority #PBSRace2012
“Don’t you dare pee on the dog!” Too late.
This one cracked me up!
Simply hilarious!! Needed a good laugh, so thanks!! What have I said…
“Because I said so”
“You are not the boss, I am”
“Say that again and I will wash your mouth with soap, and it is going to be gross”
“I don’t need your attitude, I have plenty of my own”
Oh my oldest is just 4! Yikes!
Girls do not pee standing up.
Do not bite the dog.
Love “no shooting Jesus” that is a classic……but I have also had to say “Take that toilet seat off of your head” and “Stop putting underware on the cat.”
Well I never thought I would have to tell my daughter ” You do not poop in the litter box that is for cats only! The other one was We do not baptise the cat in the water bucket!
“You need pants on to go outside” ” The fish do not use perfume” (said after 2 dead fish in the tank), “its my car when you have a car you can listen to whatever music you want” ( something my mom said all the time and i find myself saying the same.
I’ve done the standard “because I said so” a million times, but one that I never expected to say was “you do not EVER put chicken in your sister’s eye again!”
Chasing girls at 5, 10, 15, 20 and 25 will ALWAYS get you boys into trouble!
My son just turned 3 and I have said the following to him.
Stop licking my armpit.
Stop biting my butt.
Stop touching your penis or it’s going to fall off.
We don’t put our fingers in our butts. That’s gross.
Stop touching my boobs. You can touch other girls boobs but not mine.
Don’t pee in the tub. Followed by…You just peed in there. Don’t drink the water.
Stop saying people are stinky. ( This was as my son is pointing at people and saying at the top of his lungs in the middle of Target….”mom, that boy is stinky”)
I have a 16 month old so it’s pretty standard right now but I once told my nephew, “We don’t use our tongue when we kiss our sisters!”
I have told my 4yr old son, “do not stick your tongue out when you kiss me”!
I never thought it was unjust when my mom pulled out those lines. I don’t have kids but let me tell you, one of the ones I will use as much as possible:
Do as I say, not as I do.
Love love love “no shooting at Jesus” and “no panties no dinner” I say “yes but why are you naked” a lot
The gum under the table is NOT.FOR.YOU. We don’t chew other people’s chewed gum.
Also:
The toilet is not a toy, stop playing in there.
To my 6 year old…”don’t scratch your butt then touch my tongue”.
“Do it again… I DARE you!”
Oh the things I swore I’d never say…. Of course I’ve used almost all of them. My dad was right, “When you have kids, you won’t care about fair. You’ll only care about quiet.” He was SOOOOO right!
My never say never moments:
Don’t make me stop this car!
Don’t make me come up there!
That is NOT a toy.
Spoons are not shovels.
It’s (insert child’s name here)’s night to clean the kitchen. My siblings particularly hated this one. I’ve tried to get my kids to have a cooperative effort with kitchen duty. It has now officially failed and they are actually much happier doing it independently. Go figure.
“Mapo (the flying pretend monkey) is not your mama and you do not have to do what he says.” This, while very nearly loosing an argument with Mapo the pretend friend flying monkey.
Yup, when your 3 year old has an imaginary friend and the real mama is loosing an argument wtih him (and I really was trying to win) you that’s when you know you’re a real mom!
“Your mouth is not a sink”.
“Stop sniffing your brother’s ear wax.”
“Stop running around and watch tv.” Yikes.
My personal favourite is : “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”
I say “Beacuse I said so!” all the time too
I AM NOT A JUNGLE GYM!! And yes it is always yelled since I have reached “that point.”
My other one is I swear I’m going to post you on Craigs List… to which they laugh hysterically. One day ….. one day…..
Finally, when they ask what is that your drinking? …… Mommy juice. And people wonder why – OK, well the people with no kids wonder.
I’ve told my 4 year old, many times, “no, I DO NOT want to smell your fingers”.
I once got so fed up with both my boys arguing with each other, that I loaded them up in the car and drove away from the house, stopped on the side of the road and told them to get out. Of course it was a bluff, but they thought it was for real. And they quieted down and quit fighting…… for about an hour.
also, once I told my youngest who would not stop pestering his older brother that if he did that again, I was sending him to the orphanage……
Other things I’ve said that I didn’t think I would:
if you keep playing with it, it will fall off
are you completely brain dead right now?
if you don’t lose the attitude, I will force it out of you
you will do what I tell you to do and like it
there are others, but they are covered already.
My Nana and Papa used to say “Sit down or I’ll unscrew your belly button and make your butt fall off” I almost always believed them but if I didn’t they pulled out a screw driver, to which I would grab my rear and plop down somewhere.
At a particularly low moment…..STOP. CALLING. ME. MOM!
*to hubby* “Don’t give her chocolate until she finishes her shawarma!”
Visionary Bri recently posted..Excuses? Invalid. Try Again.
To my now 10 day old son that I’m trying desperately to breastfeed: You’re too young to know how to do a titty twister already.