Depression.
See? Just looking at the word IS depressing. Nobody wants to read about it. It’s certainly not why people come to my blog. I’ve created this space to remember the good stuff, to laugh with and to be laughed at and hopefully to record some of the most precious moments of my children’s lives for them to read about later.
But for me, there’s been an elephant in the room for a while. I wrote about it some in “Ketchup.” I wrote about my struggle with post-partum depression and hoped it would encourage women and moved on. Then, during the fall of last year, right when I thought I was doing fine, it snuck up on me and wrapped its arms around my neck and pulled me under again.
Darkness, discouragement. Being constantly overwhelmed. Anxious. Afraid. Terrified. Over nothing and everything.
Much like my experiences with post-partum, this new wave of depression confused me. I had hit a milestone in my career. I was a published author, a syndicated humor columnist. My children were healthy and my husband still thinks I’m smart and beautiful but something in me was broken.
It’s so easy to think it’s your fault. It’s so easy to think, “If only…”
If only I was a better mother…
If only I was more organized…
If only I went to work and wasn’t home with my kids all day…
If only I could be satisfied staying at home…
If only I wasn’t so driven…
If only I wasn’t so lazy…
If only I was more spiritual…
If only I prayed harder…
Today is Suicide Prevention day and even though, thankfully, I never got that low, I got low enough that I could see how someone could get dragged into that blackness. There were a few things that saved me: my husband, my children, my faith, my mother, my sister, my best friend and most importantly: medication and therapy.
There is a stigma associated with these things… with mental illness and antidepressants. And y’all know I try to keep it clean on my blog but EFF that. Three weeks after I started taking meds I felt the darkness lifting. Aubrey, only seven-years-old, having no idea what I had been struggling with internally, grabbed my hand while we were walking outside one day and said, “Momma I’m so glad you feel better. I didn’t think you’d come with us today!”
There is no shame in getting help and feeling better. Today the World Health Organization is asking people to “light a candle near a window that this day might be a sign of hope and understanding for those feeling despair and lack of hope.”
This is my window and I’m telling you– there IS hope.
Call 1-800-273-TALK if you or someone you know needs help. And PLEASE talk to your doctor if you need help!
Boy, I can relate. I have struggled with depression my whole life. I remember where I was when the medication kicked in, and almost cried — wondering why I hadn’t been given this “miracle in a bottle” before.
I don’t take any medication anymore because I found an alternative that works for me, but I will probably take something to help me for the rest of my life.
What your daughter said to you got me all choked up. It’s sad that they do notice even when we think we’re keeping it all together.
Thank you for sharing your story.
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Thank you Thank you Thank you for this post ! So many people struggle and say NOTHING. Speak up !! there is hope and help! and sometimes it just takes another person saying, hey, I have that same feeling and I take medication. It is ok to feel overwhelmed and ask for help! Thank you Robin! I lost someone I love very much to suicide, we were close cousins, and I had no idea she was sick till she was gone. If she had only talked about it! Thank you again!
Thank you, Robin.
Robin, I think it’s the elephant in the room for many more people than we will ever know! I’ve been there, done that, and it’s not pretty, I know! My husband still has to take many meds for it, or he becomes suicidal, again…. he tried once, and thank God, he failed… but so many people never seek treatment, and that is a crying shame!
Thank you for this.
As my circle of blogger friends say when we comment on something that might be hard, or sensitive, or triggery, or extra-personal, and don’t know what else to say, I read all of this.
I read all of this.
Thanks. That made me cry a little.
Makes me respect you all the more! Good post. Don’t you dare not speak what words you have. It’s your blog and we love your words … ALL of them.
Great post, Robin! I am fortunate enough not to have suffered from this yet, but understand the realness that is depression. Thank you for talking about it. MAYBE you will have reached at least one person and they willl take your advice. xxoo! paige
I admire you for writing this post, Robin. I didn’t know you struggled with this, too. So many people have the same or similar problems, but don’t have the courage to get help or talk about it(including me, sometimes). I believe in the power of prayer and in healing…but I also think God gave us medication and doctors for a reason. Thank you, Robin.
I too suffered from ppd for a little over 2 years and it was a dark and scary time for me and my family. I took medication but only for a month and then quit. I think the thought of being on it for the rest of my life helped shake me out of it. I’m not against medication, it just wasn’t for me.
My sister in law also suffers and is in a bad bout right now. I feel bad because she is sick, but because I know that that demon is always chasing me and I’m scared if I live in her depression, it will get me too. You would think someone who has suffered would be more supportive, but the whole thing is too scary and real for me.
I find inx general there is not a lot of support for sufferers and that is sad.
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Thank you for sharing this. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I think you may know I deal with depression, too. I’m so proud when other bloggers talk about their experiences. It really helps lift the stigma, little by little.
Thanks for speaking up!
PS: Thank the LORD for SSRIs. I still remember the day my Zoloft kicked in and I thought … oh! I am ME again!
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I’ve suffered through depression before and one day I was browsing in the Christian section of the book store and ran across a book by Mark Sutton, ‘Conquering Depression: a 30-day plan to finding happiness’!
It’s fantastic, it discusses spiritual aspects with medical know how! I haven’t read it in a while, but am super glad I have it one hand even for a quick pick me up!
Hope it helps others the way it helped me. I also liked the Christian aspect about it
Thank you for this. Having just recently worked up the courage to touch on this topic in my own blog, I know all too well how hard it is to admit to, and to talk about, especially in a public forum like this. For so many, many reasons.
But I am always heartened when I come across others writing about it, having “been there,” and I know that so many others must feel the same.
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Thanks for sharing. The more people share about getting help I pray will let others see it is no different then going to a regular medical doctor and frankly those that go to therapy are probably better off then those of us who don’t.
May God continue to bless you as you bless others with your blogs.
Thanks for your honesty, Robin.
It’s true that we need to get depression and other topics with a stigma attached out in the open in order to really help people. The more open I am the more people feel comfortable discussing their issues. It is very comforting when we know we are not alone.
Thank you for writing this.
I have been living with depression since my father’s suicide when I was 6 yrs old.
Years, I lived in secret. I just came out publicly when I started my blog, and just o know that I have COMPANY in this world has helped me to feel better.
Thank you.
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Depression is a depressing topic. One so many of us have, but don’t talk about. I too from the outside may look like I have it all, but feel broken.
Thank you soooooooooo much for sharing this. I spent years thinking I must be lazy, I’m “being self-indulgent,” I just have to try harder. Then when I finally got assessed, about three weeks into medication…… well, it was like the whole world went from 2D to 3D. I remember leaves fluttering in the light in a park, and thinking, “Oh! So this is what life is supposed to be like!”
A word of advice for anyone dealing with depression, anxiety, etc.:
1. Be sure to get yourself assessed and treated by a “psychopharmacologist.” This is a psychiatrist who has specific training in assessment and medication management.
2. Know that the drug or drugs you are taking now that work so great may suddenly stop working. That’s why having a psychopharmacologist on your team is so important. They know how to evaluate that too, and what drug to switch you to.
Thank you again Robin for sharing your story. Sweetheart, you are not alone! xoxo
Girl. Friend. Thank you! I’m sending this to another gal pal too. We share our love and appreciation of our antidepressant meds and refuse to allow any stigma to keep us from understanding WE NEED THEM TO FUNCTION. Staying in darkness isn’t what God has called us to do. Trusting in Him and the system he created — including the power of modern day medicine — is what we are called to do.
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It may not be a fun thing to write about, but posts like this are what helped me through some of the darkest drops I’ve had. Just knowing you really aren’t alone helps.
As I read this and comment I am waiting to talk to my therapist. I have been seeing her every 2 weeks for the past 18 months or so. It has totally helped. I have been pretty open about it. I have learned how to deal with so much.
Thank you for sharing. I feel that getting help is not shameful as it once was. I know my life has changed for the better and continues too.
So glad you are feeling better!
Thankyou fellow pill popper! Hubby and I are having a rough time at the moment and we are both medicated. It helps, a lot.
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Thanks for being authentic and sharing such a personal struggle…I know so many, including me, are sighing the sigh of relief that they are not the only ones who have ever dealt with this. For me, raising 3 kids without “no-strings-attached” help, i.e. family, has been a doozy. Everything rests on me and David. You prob understand this well being away from your family…
But also, so many other factors and I’m so thankful with you that you are feeling better…
Love
Amanda
Actually when I saw “Depression” as your blog post I knew I would read it. I struggle with it every day, some days more than most, and it’s always good for me to know I’m not alone. THANK YOU!
This is such an important post! Thank you for being brave and posting it!
Jamie