OK, I’ve been trying to hold back on this for awhile now but here it comes. I hate breastfeeding. H-A-T-E. This is no exaggeration. For those of you who have never experienced the feeling of having someone suck on a bloody, open wound up to 8 times a day, let me just inform you- it ain’t as easy as it looks.
Here is a brief list of all the things I hate about breastfeeding:
The Bad Things About Breastfeeding
1. It hurts.
2. My boobs are so big that they totally eclipse my child’s head when I’m feeding her.
3. My boobs are so big that Victoria can no longer keep my Secret.
4. No one else can help you or do it for you.
5. People give you dirty looks when you do it in public, even if you shove your kid up your shirt AND cover up with a blanket.
6. Breast pumps make you feel like an actual cow…mooooooooooo.
7. My boobs are so big that I lost a pacifier once and found it that night when I took off my bra. (True story.)
8. You can get tennis elbow from it, which does provide you with prescription pain killers, that you can’t take BECAUSE you’re breastfeeding.
9. You can’t drink unless you want to have to buy the “breast screen” test strips at Target to screen your milk for alcohol. Purchasing said strips is only going to lead to more dirty looks. (The first time I saw those I wanted to buy a box of strips, a bottle of wine and go home and pump, just to see what would happen…)
10. Boob sweat is disgusting. You either have to bathe or your kid is going to smell like it every time you feed her. (If you are a B cup or under you can’t relate and I don’t care OR feel sorry for you.)
The good things about breastfeeding
1. It’s good for your kid. (Even though Aubrey was only BF for 3 months and is NEVER sick and Emma was BF for 11 months and is ALWAYS sick.)
2. It’s free. (And yes, this is mostly why I do it…don’t judge me.)
(Let me just say if you were about to leave a comment about how I need to be positive and supportive and yadda, yadda, yadda…save yourself some time. It’s been done. I am being supportive. I applauding the women LIKE MYSELF who choose to breastfeed for any amount of time, and I am encouraging the MILLIONS of women who choose formula that they are still great mothers.)
Too funny! I love #3 and #9
I’m in hysterics…because I TOTALLY understand….
I lasted 6 months with Mary Frances and only 6 weeks with woodie..due to #10…she was born in July..and it was the hottest summer EVER…needless to say, she nor I smelled very good for a long time…GROSS!
Robin, that made me laugh so hard that I almost shook Harper off MY boob! I remember mentally measuring her growth by comparing her head to my boob. She just caught up a couple of weeks ago! As to #10, why can’t there be a nursing bra that lifts and SEPARATES?!
Robin this is great. I loved every aspect of breast feeding. I did not know you were so funny!
Sharon, you must be one of those B cup and under people I was talking about! No offense! And thanks!
Oh. My. Goodness. I am laughing so stinking hard! This one I am nearly to tears.
This is the best recap of breast feeding .
Absolutely hilariously true.
This is so funny!
I can totally relate. I nursed Olivia and Noah each for a year. I got preggo with Noah when Olivia was 9 months and the feeling of her nursing those last three months drove me up the wall. I wanted to throw her every time she ate. As far as size….I get HUGE when I am nursing and now that I have weaned I have lost all breast tissue and gone down 4 bra sizes. The problem though is that the skin is the same size it was at a DDD and there is just no filler left. It is even uglier than you are picturing in your head right now! Only a SKILLED surgeon can help me at this point.
Laura, I feel you girl!! Let me know when you are ready to go under the knife and I’ll bring you a casserole!!! I can’t wait to be done this time!
Think how sick Emma WOULD HAVE been if you had not BF her… Ahhhhh…see, it was worth it!! Good job, its a commitment!!
Laughing so hard at this right now! I had forgotten all of the joys of breastfeeding but have been quickly reminded…
i laughed and thought this was funny but i nursed both of my kids (non-exclusively) for about six months (long story short i have a problem with my pro-lactin production which means i can't produce milk at a rate which would sustain life
) but i loved BFing and honestly? It didn't hurt at all. (and NO i'm not a B cup or smaller 😉 I'm a DD!!!! not that you wanted to know but thought i'd share 😉 But yeah… I enjoy the dirty looks.
PS – i'm lori wescott's cousin-by-marriage and just wanted to let you know i think your stuff is funny 😉 i'm enjoying what i've read but now my baby is back to sleep and i am going to sleep too – i'm sure you can relate!!
I breast fed both of my boys for 13M. I was proud of myself for the sacrifices I made for my children and our budget. While we are awaiting the adoption of baby #3 I am ELATED that I can bottle feed him/her with NO GUILT!!! FYI, not sure if I'd breast feed baby #3 if I could. The lonliness and alienation was overwhelming at times.
Your rendition of BF was quite amusing. I got a good laugh. 😀 I BF my first daughter until she weaned herself at 10 months (broke my heart when she didn't want mommy any more), and I'm currently BF my second. As a BF Peer Counselor for the Health Department, I encourage women to BF because of all the wonderful health benefits for both you and the baby. It can be difficult at times, especially when you don't have a good support system at home but it is worth every moment of it when you look into the eyes of your child and see how healthy and smart they are. I have enjoyed nursing my babies and if the baby is latched on correctly, it doesn't hurt….this is the mistake that most women don't realize…correct latch makes a hug difference!! I can also see why a lot of women get frustrated and don't want to BF in the beginning because my second daughter, the one I'm currently BF, had a horrible problem with jaundice when she was first born…it can truely make your life a living hell…but in my opinion, it is a mind thing…if you have it in your mind that you want to BF, you will. With determination, I struggled through those first two weeks with her in and out of the hospital and she is all the better for it now!
I wish that all mothers would BF for at least a few weeks to give thier babies that strength in immunity!
BF can be a wonderful experience, it just wasn't for me. I had every problem you can possibly have from jaundiced premature babies that didn't know how to suck to mastitis which was horrible. It is an enormous sacrifice and gift you give to your children.
Just found your blog today. VERY amusing- thanks for the giggles. I am a b-cup extended BF- sorry! But I could still relate to some of your complaints. It is a huge sacrifice, just like most of motherhood is. But in the end, it's all worth it. And since we are the ones responsible for bringing our children into the world, we are responsible for giving them the best gifts we are able. I'll keep following you!
Robin,
Wow! I have to say I'm a little shocked. I received a link to your blog from a Christian friend of mine and wanted to check it out. I am also a stay at home mother, seeking to serve the Lord by serving my family at home. I do understand that breast feeding is the hard route. My daughter wouldn't latch on for about 4 months unless I used a shield. It was so hard to BF anywhere but home. I wanted to give up, but knew it was the best thing for her health. Without the support of my loving husband and God's help through His Word, I would probably not have kept going. I have been doing it for almost a year now. It's the best sacrifice I have made for our budget and my daughter. Not to mention, I could never replace the closeness I have with her during those moments, whether they be in the middle of the night or in the middle of the park.
I feel that your post may be discouraging to other young mothers that may be considering it. In a world where that is so "Me" centered it is not easy to follow God's commands to be selfless servants for our families. I pray that those seeking support will not be discouraged by your post, but be encouraged in the Lord to keep their focus on Him and what the sacrifice does to help the health of their child. I was discouraged by a few women of my church. We should be ENcouraged by other Christian mom's. Discouragement is not from the Lord. As a sister in Christ, I pray that your blog will be used to encourage and lift up, not be used as a platform for complaints about the daily life of motherhood. Count it all joy.
It is a huge and wonderful sacrifice. I praise God for His strength and endurance with BF.
Meredith
Titus 2
Meridith,
I totally understand where you are coming from. But I had SERIOUS health complications. And when I was BF I would have given ANYTHING for someone to tell me it was OK to quit, to know that I wasn't alone.
Breastfeeding isn't always the best choice for every mother, and as an RN I know this to be true. My post-partum depression was severely worse when I was breastfeeding because I was in such excruciating pain, I cried the entire time I was feeding her and dreaded the next feeding in between. Switching to formula allowed me to enjoy my baby immeasurably more.
That said, BF my second child was a breeze.
My blog is meant to be encouraging to all mothers, and I can't tell you how many women have emailed me to thank me that they were not alone in their breastfeeding struggles.
I assure, if you'll spend a little more time here, you'll see that my blog is NOT devoted to complaining. I am far from perfect and God has called me to share my imperfections, laughing at myself and all my mistakes in a very public forum. I hope you can see the humor and will be encouraged.
Robin
Robin,
Thanks for sharing this. I fully understand the 'pain' you went through. Baby #1 for me was the same as yours, but baby #2 a breeze. Then came #3, she didn't have the mouth control to suck. That was so much fun, let me tell ya. My husband insits I BF too. Believe me, he repays me greatly for my sacrifice. :). Oh, and you missed a down point: the let down and pressure of the flow. HELLO-I could drown my baby but not before they were pushed away by the force of a firehose.
The comment from Carol made me laugh. I understand her way too much. I look like I have beaver tails hanging from my chest. If we do have another baby I don't think I will BF, having two of children with the struggels they have, it would be way too hard.
I think your blog is great, it's full of humor and encouragment. I love how I read your posts and laugh because, YES, I've been there and my kids act the same way too. But what you do is make me see EVERY mother goes through the same stuff and there is a way to get through it ALL by laughing and enjoying it. I mean my kids behave much better when I'm in a good mood. So thanks for all you do for my motherhood mentallity. I owe you so much.
Robin,
Just want to thank you for all your truth when it came to BF! I think it would have been wonderful for my mental-wellness if other mothers would admit the realities rather than making those that it doesn't work for feel inadequate and less of a mother. Yeah, it's no cakewalk, and each child is different. Hearing another mother admit it helped me with my emotions toward the situation.
I reached the decision at six weeks (yes, gasp) that it was time for my son and my breast to part. It was the best decision for my child and my family.
(And, FYI, my 11 1/2 month old is extremely healthy…never even had a fever, just a cold. He also attends a Mother's day out program once a week and is in a playgroup with children another day of the week. One heck of an immune system if I do say so myself)
Keep on bloggin! We need your positive messages-and your humor spin on the realities of motherhood!
Whitney,
Don't gasp at your 6 week stopping point. The feeding therapist I had to work with during my daughters growth told me and gave me wrtitten proof that the most nutrients (I know that's spelled wrong sorry) is in the first 6 weeks of BF-ing.
THE REASON that I read your blog is so I can laugh at myself and not be alone on things! BF is so hard, and as a Mother, it is choice that we make….
That being said- I view your blog as a beautiful and VERY funny journal! If anything God has blessed you with a beautiful, funny family- that you love so very much!- I thank Him that you are able to share with the rest of us!
As a mom who never even tried breast feeding, procedure looked messy and painful, I watched my daughter lug that dual electric pump around. She needed "relief" regularly. She had milk in the fridge, yucky tasting if you don't already know, and her boobs were constantly popping out of her shirt. When I finally said, "when are you going to quit" because Jayden never latched on, she was relieved that she could quit. Someone told her "good" momma's always breast feed for a year. Good momma's do what's best to keep themselves and their baby healthy and a bottle of formula set my daughter free to be happy with her baby, not worrying whether he was fed enough and certainly not in pain anymore.
No man can make an Apple ….. same goes for Breast Milk…. only one
proper food for babies.
I wish I could get mine to wean! She's 15 months and still loves to nurse. I no longer nurse in public because this is the South and I thought I got dirty looks when I lived in Vegas! Yes, Vegas where there are boobs a plenty! :)I've nursed two now. My first stopped around 19 months. I had every problem under the sun with both girls and somehow I powered through…I had mastitis, engorgement, 3 blocked milk ducts, cracked nipples to where they bleed, both babies were jaundice and in the NICU for 2 days, what else…you name it…I had it with one or the other or both!
Things I hate about it…
1. Dirty looks
2. No telling what my boobies will look like when I'm done probably a deflated balloon animal that you find under the sofa cushions a few months after a birthday party!
3. Lack of freedom!
Things I love about it…
1. Healthy children
2. And this may be a little wrong but I kinda love bragging about the fact I was able to do it and for so long!
Great blog! Enjoyed reading it!
Hi Robin,
Thank you for your honest post. Although I did not have any problems with breastfeeding (eg. latch, bleeding and cracked nipples, mastitis), I did struggle with the isolation and the fact that NO ONE else could put my daughter to sleep (she breastfed to sleep) or feed her (she refused to drink from a bottle).
I also wished that other moms had told me the not so pleasant aspects of breastfeeding. Now, my major headache is weaning my daughter, she is 16 months and I feel like I've had enough. I just don't know how I am going to wean her. Hearing her cry breaks my heart.
Any advice on weaning?
June
Hey June!
I'm going to have my Sister Wife (my BFF who is a breastfeeding CHAMPION!) share some thoughts for you tonight. I breast fed AND pumped with all of mine so my problem wasn't weaning from the breast but from the bottle.
I DO know that it is easier to gradually wean for baby and Mommy. I would cut back to only bedtimes. But if you've already done this and want to cut back completely, my experience is that weaning/changes with your baby are ALWAYS harder on the Momma.
Whether it's been adjusting sleep patterns, giving up bottles or pacifiers- I always DREAD these things for months and usually it takes less than a week and my baby is FINE!
Good luck! I'll see if I can rustle up some more tips for you!!!
Robin
One of my fav of your posts! Ain't Jeni told me about this one. I too am very thrifty! Ummm, I mean it's great for my baby.
yep…this is where I fell in love with you
lol
BWAHAHAHA!! Love you back!
ever nursed a biter? Oh LAWD! But the darn munchkin is obstinate about her ninny milk! :/
I’ve been bit Gurl. It ain’t purty!
MY FAVE! LOVE!
Boob sweat is disgusting. You either have to bathe or your kid is going to smell like it every time you feed her. (If you are a B cup or under you can’t relate and I don’t care OR feel sorry for you.)
Nipple Shields are a GODsend for this!!! I’ve been nurning almost 11months & it’s the ONLY way I’ve survived (unfortunately, they’re addictive for you & baby bc it doesn’t hurt you & makes it easier for them…) So buy extras incase you lose one–they need glow in the dark ones, but they’re worth each & every penny & I now give them as shower gifts (Even though one person got annoyed since it turns out she wasn’t planning to BF ((She was registered for a pump so I wasn’t pushing my ideas on her ;-)) Good luck & keep up the good work!
TRU DAT on the nipple shields! I actually wrote this post two years ago and my baby is almost three! Thank SWEET BABY JESUS that I’m done breastfeeding. I’d say forever but I don’t want the universe to smite me for getting cocky and find out I’m pregnant tomorrow.
Breastfeeding was worth it but probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done!! So you keep up the good work! 😉
I’m a 40 year old brand new mom still breastfeeding my 4 month old and laughing so hard reading your thoughts on breastfeeding that tears are streaming! Thanks…so nice to hear others talk about the tough parts of breastfeeding!
I mean SWEET CHEEZITS, why didn’t anybody TELL US that it was so hard?? KUDOS to you Momma, for doing the hard thing! Keep up the good work! Thanks for reading, I feel like I should qualify for a Pulitzer Peace Prize for making breastfeeding more tolerable for mothers everywhere! 😉
I bet one million dollars that Anonymous up there with the apple comment is a man.
Reading all the comments again got me fired up!!!
so, so true. btw – I’m curious where their food comes from? I really hope they have a victory garden. Because I would hate to find out that they ever ate at a fast food restaurant or, gasp, had pasta. (not that I am advocating processed foods, just pointing out the hypocrisy)
A-MEN. how absurd.
I just peed my pants at “victory garden.” omg.
This is still funny.
I’ve been following your blog for about a year now and have never gone back to read the old ones. I love this post! My son (now 5) has always been super independent (he didn’t even list to be swaddled). He ate every 2 hours during the day (leaving about 1.5 hours in between feedings) for about 5 or 6 months. Moms used to tell me that their child was in a growth spurt when he/she ate like that. Looking back on it now – I think he was in a constant growth spurt. He was the height and weight of a 1 year when he was 6 months and a 2 year old when he was 1 year. He had no real interest in BFing once he mastered a sippy cup, but we pushed through (at 4 months – I was bound and determined he was not going to be attached to a bottle). I was in the middle of a PhD program (let me tell you, pregnancy brain and research papers do not mix well). I would get up in the middle of the night to pump long after he was sleeping through the night. I pumped everyday while at school and fed him at night until my energy and sanity couldn’t take it any longer. I stopped feeding him around 7 months and we ran out of frozen BF at 8 months. I’m so thankful that I choose BF, but it was hard. It was exhausting. I’m really not sure which was worse – feeling guilty that I stopped at 8 months or having mothers constantly inform me that I should have lasted until at least a year. The best one was that formula was evil and should be taken off of the market. Really?!? A little over-dramatic are we? In the end I felt so much freedom when I stopped and was able to enjoy my time with him in a way that I was not able to before. My sanity (mainly) returned as well. My child is a well adjusted independent child that rarely gets sick and is at the top of his class (so it’s Kindergarten, but he is in the top reading and math groups). I don’t think missing out on 4 months (or for some people 2yrs & 4 months) of BF has hampered him so much – so to all you out there who think you are better because you BF’ed longer – I DON”T CARE. And for those of you for BF’ed for a shorter period of time – okay! Every mother should do what they think is right for their baby/family so be supportive and certainly do not imply that you are not a Christian (or a “good” one – define that one for me please) if you choose not to do it for long enough (btw – who gets to define long enough?).
Agreed and I’m SO GLAD you came out of the closet as a blog reader!! YAY! Come and play with me on FB! I’m Robin Wiley O’Bryant!
I started to post this on your Facebook wall but then decided to put it here instead for the love-o-blog.
BUT I wanted to tell you that I totally just got ganged up on and Facebook bashed (I’m okay with this) for thowing in my two cents to some mommas who were ranting about moms who choose not to breastfeed (I LOVED breastfeeding, by the way, for anyone who wants to know).
I just pointed out to them (and any other poor unsuspecting, unable to breastfeed young mother who stumbled into the post and was made to feel like crap) that everything is not for everyone, and that any mother who has the courage and strength to stand up to the crowd (on breastfeeding or otherwise) and make the best decision she can make for herself AND her baby is a rockstar to me!
Yesterday I read a thread between several mommas (I stayed OUT of that one) bickering about stay-at-home moms vs. working moms and what is “best” for the kids.
Can I just say “UGHH” (and yes, I did say it). For. The. LOVE. We all, for the most part, love our kids more than our next breath and want nothing more than the very best for them–whatever that may be. Every child, parent, and family is different and what works for one may not work for someone else and that is OKAY! There is already too much trauma and drama in the world and I just wish these mommas would start lifting each other up and encouraging one another rather than arguing.
You can have your soapbox back now. And can I say THANKS for always being the encourager and the Bringer of Laughs. I have seen countless posts on this blog and facebook and book reviews saying that something you wrote made them laugh on a day when all they wanted to do was cry. And I think THAT makes you a rockstar, Robin Wiley O’Bryant!